Amsterdam - Welcome Back to Socializing Andrea Marston

So, I have to admit that the scariest thing about going on a tour of Europe on my own was basically just one thing, human beings. Humans genuinely scare me. They lure you in liking them and act like you are going to have fun with them and the wham you are fighting or boom you are hurting one another. And after getting my heart so broken three years ago, I gave up on humans and was not interested in getting into too many new friendships or relationships of any kind. I kept the few strong friendships with people who stuck by me during the worst of it after Vegas but I can honestly say that I even pushed them away as much as I could without having them leave my life completely. I just wanted to protect myself. I was tired of being the best friend that was so easy to stab in the back and the fat girl who you lead on for years before crushing her soul. I just wanted to live a safe and drama-free life without the complications of involving too many other people into the mix. But the thing is, when you want actually live in this beautiful, big and populated world, socializing in inevitable. So when I chose to live again by traveling to Europe, I also chose to walk back into socializing.

I was petrified the day I met my roommate in London. Was she going to be some kind of psycho killer bitch? Was she going to hate me? My stomach was in knots when I walked into that hotel room and I found something unexpected. A girl from Toronto traveling alone and excited to see all the things I was looking forward to seeing. Right away that was a huge thing I had in common with her and 46 other people I was lucky enough to get to know on this tour.

We all checked into the tour the night before we departed. There was an awkward excitement in the room as 47 of us all scoped each other out. And then quicker than I thought came the friendly smiles and the “Hey - where are you from?"s. That quiet room became so full of chatter much quicker than I expected and it sort of put me at ease. I exchanged info with a few people and then we made a plan to go to a pub and have a few drinks and a bite to eat before our early morning start to Amsterdam. I met a lovely Canadian couple and we were going to head back to our hotel before we went out to the pub. On the way, we got completely turned around and then I saw a girl I had recognized from the check in and Facebook group and she was carrying something all travelers should have, an I-phone. And she navigated us back to the hotel and we found our way to the pub after that. Yay for I-phones! And at the pub we met a lot more people. A few crazy Aussies, a person who actually lives in New York City, and a few more Aussies! We had a few drinks all giving our stories of how we got on the tour and our lives back home. And then we were off to bed early-ish buzzing about the excitement of leaving the next day.

We got on the coach to the ferry in Dover that took us to Calais and it was pretty quiet. A few small groups formed in the cafeteria of the ferry and I sat with the people I had met the night before. The conversation was about what Amsterdam would be like and then in a flash we were on the coach driving from Calais to Amsterdam. Our tour manager gave us info of where we were and where we were going and then we were told we would be speed date style meeting on the bus.

Crap.

This would be a big test of my socializing skills and I was saying quiet prayers that they weren't too rusty. And then we started and I surprised myself at how easy it was to tell my story, make a joke and laugh at someone else's. Not only did it come so easy but it felt so natural. This is was who I used to be and this is who I am. I am a girl who loves to laugh, chat and socialize. I forgot that. I forgot that sometimes being in the company of another person doesn't have to be about drama. It can be about excitement, fun and adventure.

A couple of hours after speed dating we rolled into Amsterdam. A quirky city where, historical buildings neighbor unique, modern architectural experiments. An immaculate city that has a lot less shine then the Sin City out west but an authenticity that can't be rivaled. Yet, it is not a city built on Sex, Drugs and Rock 'N Roll alone. There's history, art, colourfully lined canals, a laidback, quirky liberal population, and Heineken to complete the amazing city that is Amsterdam.

That evening we headed out for a very social Canal Cruise where the booze and conversation flowed. We were buzzed when we headed into the red light district for our cultural evening out (sex show). There are no pictures in the Red Light District but it is pretty much what you expect girls in windows and sex shops. The sex show was something I was not terribly comfortable with watching but when in Amsterdam? It was something the old me would so not do and well she was a bit of a bore so, why not? So there they were doing their stuff and the only thing that shocked me, besides a banana incident at the end I can't go into too much detail about, was how bored they looked while they were going at it. But I guess I have made those same faces while filing at my former places of employment.

After our cultural evening we gathered outside the theater and sang Happy Birthday to my Canadian friend from the pub the night before, as a plastic elephant squirted what I hope was water on us. Try forgetting that birthday, Heather! Ha. We then headed to the infamous Amsterdam cafes that quickly became filled with smoke and giggles. I was still attempting to be good on my diet in Amsterdam and was a bit concerned about getting the munchies. Surprisingly, I was much more self-controlled then I expected even when the evil Dutch put the most delicious looking pastry shops near these cafes. I drooled as I watched everyone else eat but I was saving myself for Italy damn it! We headed up back to the hotel and we all hogged the free computers to report on our Amsterdam adventures on Facebook before I headed for the best sleep of the whole tour.

The next day we headed to Ann Frank's house. I only know about the Holocaust from what I had learned in school. This trip inspired me to do some more reading on it. I had read about the bright girl who kept a journal while being hid away from the world because of who she was and what she believed in. Seeing the posters she put up on the wall and reading the words she wrote in the journal made her so real to me. Having been someone, who much like Anne poured my hopes, dreams and teenage angst into a journal, I felt connected to her. Hate killed her and millions of others. Bright lights all put out by hate. And that was the first day I really thought about the effects of hating the people who hurt me had, had in my life. That inner conversation would continue later on in the tour.

After an emotional trip to Anne Frank's House I really wanted to go see the Van Gogh museum but I didn't know if I would have enough time, as we only had 3 hours. So, I stuck around with a few of my tour mates and checked out the streets in and around the Damrak. I have got to say window shopping in Amsterdam is like nowhere else in the world. You've got girls for guys, guys for guys, guys for girls, toys and videos for everyone, condoms shaped like Statue of Liberty, and cannabis on or in everything!

I think Amsterdam was the perfect place to start the tour and head back into socializing. Amsterdam gave me a wonderful dose of "Don't Worry Be Happy" and had me less anxiously looking forward to the adventures I was going to have with my 47 new friends in the next 12 days.

Just Keep Moving

Guess whose back? Me, obviously.

I can't believe how blessed I have been over the last three months. If you asked me on New Year's Eve 2009 what I thought I had in store for me for next year, I could not have predicted this is how things would end up.

I used to be a person who would count down to everything and get excited about everything and in the midst of my depression that person got lost somewhere in all that darkness. In July, when I made the decision to lose weight and change my life, I was fighting to find that overly excited girl again.

I found her in the strangest moments. I found her on the elliptical trainer at the gym and I found her almost jumping for joy when she heard she lost her job. These were places that in the last three years I didn't even attempt to look.

I had been "living" on survival mode for so long that I just let the flow of that just take over my life. I looked forward to nothing more than must-see TV Thursday (still am excited about tonight's TV schedule though!) and getting paychecks. The day I looked in the mirror and decided to change everything was the day I had enough with living a life without passion.

The first step was taken on an elliptical trainer. All I said to myself as I gasped for air that first sweaty 10 minutes was, "Just keep moving." And getting laid off from my job gave me the freedom to "Just keep moving" in other areas of my life, like seeing a little of that big old world I dreamed about. So, I hushed the boring practicality that often rules my life. I embraced the girl who longed for something to look forward to and just kept moving. And it took me to a family party in Winnipeg, a long overdue family reunion in San Francisco, a London adventure with an old friend and a new one, the true Sin City Amsterdam, to unexpectedly beautiful Austria and Germany, experiencing the delicious history and food of Italy, crying tears of joy at the Eiffel tower, and going back to England to even further realize how blessed I am to have such an amazing family.

There were times that weren't perfect and blissful during my trip. There were early hung-over mornings, scary people trying to scam me, and getting lost all while being quite sick in the middle of the trip. But each moment was an adventure and every moment after that was something to look forward to. I felt more alive than I had felt in forever.

So, the plan for the future is Just Keep Moving. So far that has taken me some pretty awesome places.

I will start giving you the details tomorrow when I tell you all about quirky and insane Amsterdam and all the amazing people I met. Ta Ta for Now.

Finding my Joie de vivre

Hi Blog,
Long time no update! I have not neglected you in vain though blog, I have been out living life to the fullest and while doing that I believe I found my joie de vivre! I promise when I get home to write a whole run down of what happened on my adventures on my blog but today I want to tell you that I feel more healed and happy than I have in a long time.

I was so nervous about going on the tour alone and meeting new people but SO excited to see all the sights I had been daydreaming back at my desk job.
Cruising down the canals of Amsterdam I began to let myself back into socializing and realized how sweet it could be. I made some fantastic friends and had so much fun all over Europe with them!

Then we were off to Germany and Austria, which I loved so much more than I had expected to. The details of the architecture, unique history, the hospitable people, and the Beer Halls really won me over. We also visited a Dachau concentration camp and I had a really emotional moment there realizing the impact of hate in the world and the impact it had in my own life (that is a whole separate blog for another day).

I was pretty excited about Italy and for the most part it didn't disappoint. It was a bit dirty and some of the people were a bit "intense" but the history and the food totally made up for that. Venice was brilliant with it's canal and maze of streets! The Gondola, dinner, and exploring with my new friends was a huge highlight of my trip. After that we were off to Rome, where I was quite sick and almost went back to the hotel after the Vatican tour. I am so glad that I pushed myself to go on because standing in the Coliseum was everything I thought it would be and more. I hoped that standing in a place steeped in such history would make my history seem rather small and my future possibilities endless and that is exactly how I felt. Florence was another city that I didn't have that many expectations about and was pleasantly surprised by. The history, architecture, and Michelangelo's David totally blew me away. We had a delicious dinner, a very charming Opera singer serenaded us, drank a lot of wine and some imperial drops (dangerous!) before went out to "Space Eletronique Discoteque". It was there that I realized how much fun crazy, drunk dancing can be and that Italians love us big girls haha (more on that later).
The next day we had a very hungover drive to Lucerne, Switzerland where we stayed in a hotel called The Jail. The pictures I put up when I get home will do no justice to how creepy yet cool this place was. Lucerne reminded me of Banff back home and the people were very lovely.

After a long drive the next day we landed in Paris. The rudeness of some of the people and the crazy drivers all over the place didn't made the city any less gorgeous! I can't find the right words sitting here right now to describe how I felt when I saw the Eiffel Tower sparkle like diamonds in front of my eyes. I have that tower all over my bedroom, living room, laptop, and neck back home and to see the real deal was a legitimate dream come true. I have never been happier than in that moment. I felt like I had accomplished something and that I had brought myself back from a really dark place, FINALLY! It was a moment filled with joy, sweetness, pride and so much more. A moment that nothing can sour it. A moment I will carry with me all my life.

I promise to have much more to tell you blog when I am back home but for now I am going to enjoy my time with my family and London.
Much Love,
A

Greetings from rainy London

Hello people who read this!
I am here in London which is so SURREAL! I am so lucky to have my family here they have been so hospitable and kind to me! I love them. I had an insane yet wicked fun day in London on Friday with a fellow Corus casuality Sarah and her lovely friend Kate. It started off a bit rocky when we were both waiting at different Marks and Spencers at St.Pancras train station. I had to quiet the old me freaking out in my brain and calm myself down. I tried to look for a payphone, in the land of red booths you think they would be EVERYWHERE, not so much! Anyways bought phone and met up with Sarah. Then we went sight-seeing and drinking before heading over to Clapham for the BEST firework ever! Thank you Guy Fawke's for attempting down to burn down British Parliment and giving the English a reason to have amazing fireworks! Anyways lost Sarah on the tube and then found her again and then got on another train with VERY drunk people, which made me feel less drunk.
Spent some time on Saturday with my wonderful family and saw MORE fireworks! Yay! Then yesterday I saw yet some MORE family before heading to London to get to my hotel. Met my roomie she is really nice from Toronto.
Today was my first day alone in London and yeah it was a doozy! A storm has hit so it is cold and rainy and my sense of direction is BRUTAL! Spent the whole morning lost in the rain and when I found the place I was going it was not yet open! Grrrr.... so today has been a bit frustrating! Meeting my tour mates in a few minutes! So excited! Really looking forward to Europe tomorrow! I am sorry to say but I am bit over London, maybe I am here just at a wrong time. Anyways sorry for this unorganized rushed post but that is how I roll in internet cafes people. Keep you posted soon! EUROPE HERE I COME!
Love,
A

Bon Voyage

Today I have sort of been going back and forth from disbelief and freaking out. One minute it doesn't feel like this thing I have been wanting for years is actually happening; then the next minute I am slapping myself into the realization that this trip is happening and then worrying about all the things that could go wrong after tomorrow. This neurotic craziness is what usually leads to the demise of any plans I had to go after my goals. I worry myself out of chasing my dreams and doing anything risky and maybe fun!
So that is why on the euphoria of "Andrea 2.0" I booked Europe as soon as I could. Because going by myself to Europe is something this new version of myself was/is determined to make happen. The new version of myself must have also subconsciously known that if I had waited to book Europe, the old me would pop back up and talk myself out of it.
I maybe worrying myself sick today about all the things that could wrong after tomorrow but the fact is tomorrow and the next five weeks are booked and happening. And I can worry about every little thing that could go wrong along the way or just enjoy the moments and the experiences I am being blessed with. And that is what I am sincerely going to try to do. I will be carrying my journal and writing and I will blog when I can. Until we meet again Pop Goes Andrea. Bon Voyage!

Embracing Adventure!

I have only been in an airplane by myself a couple of times. And it was only from Calgary to Winnipeg and Saskatoon and back. But now I am going to be 8 hours in the air by myself and then in a big ass airport by myself, probably getting lost! This all started to bubble in my head while trying to sleeping last night, probably because it is hitting me that I am leaving the day after tomorrow.

The last couple of years I have kind of become an expert of doing things on my own. Movies and dinners. I actually began to savor my independence, when I was living away from home. I like deciding what to put on my own pizza, I like choosing what movie to watch, and I learned to love doing my own thing. This is probably because I had too many years of being some bossy friends’ doormat and during these last few years of anti-socializing, I found myself in the freedom I was given.

I had dreamt of going to Europe with some friends but it never worked out with schedules and budgets. So, now I am off alone and I get to see these places I have been daydreaming about for years. And yeah it is really scary to be going on my own but I am actually sort of excited to do my own thing! I know I am going to be forced to be social on my tour but you know what I think it is going to be really good for me. I think it is going to be sort of a “Hey World, Andrea is Back to Socializing” party and I am going to embrace that and have a friggin’ BLAST! YAY!

Five Year Plan

I miss school. I miss knowing what I was working for everyday; a good grade, a scholarship, a diploma, or a degree. And now out in the real world outside of school, it seems most people work just for financially survival.

When I got out of school, I settled for radio. It was not my passion, it was not the reason I went passionately into broadcasting. It was just the only job I could get in broadcasting 6 months after school. And I just thought about the fact that I was going to have to start paying off my student loans. So I turned my back on TV and paid the bills with radio.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret my time in radio. I met great people who taught so much about writing, careers, and friendship. I had good times with them but when it came to the work, there was just no passion. I looked at the people I worked with and I knew that they loved working in radio and I thought being around them would help me love it too. But it was never my passion, never the goal I was working towards. And now, well I am laid off.

Sure, I might not have that many, if any, diplomas or degrees in my future. But maybe it is time I make some goals of my own without some educational institution dictating what I wake up for every morning. It has been a long time since I have cared about what I really wanted over, what I really have to do.

So, what do I want my life to look like in, let's say, five years? In the next five years; I want to be Andrea Marston television writer, size 6 to 10, in love, well-traveled, lively, passionate, and happy. Those are my goals. That's what I am going to wake up for tomorrow and every day after that for.