Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
15 years...
For the most part my childhood in Winnipeg was a happy one. It was safe and fun. There is something truly comforting about being surrounded by things and people you have always known. Then in December 1995, I heard the worst news of my 13 years of existence, we were moving to Calgary when the school year done. I didn’t take this news well but in that last year of school in Winnipeg I felt like I was dying. I treated every moment like it was my last. Making sure to join every club, made sure I went to every dance, and went to every sleepover I was invited to. It was a great year and I had a huge going away party. The devastation of the moving didn’t really sink in until the day the moving truck cleared out our house. I remember lying of the floor of bedroom sobbing, this was sure to be the end of my life.
Saying goodbye to my family at the airport and mostly my cousin (who is more like a sister) Sarah-kay, still goes down in the books as one of the hardest things I have ever done. On July 10th, 1996 I watched the only home I had known fade away in the plane and my family and I were starting over in a place I knew nothing about. My first impression of Calgary was my Dad (who NEVER wears jeans) dressed in a cowboy costume, he looked Mexican, I was not impressed. In fact I spent much of that summer, not impressed. I barely spoke to my parents, I moped a lot, I wrote letters to people in Winnipeg, and I dreaded the first day of school. I was afraid of forgetting about everything I had always known and loved.
School was not so bad. I made friends. I found Drama Class again. I found boys to obsess about, of course. I lost friends. I got rejected from plays and boys. I spent all of 11th grade in the back of the library rather than dealing with people (a habit I still flock to, occasionally). I have not always felt like I have fit into Calgary. I have almost always felt like a bit of a fish out of water here. I am not conservative; I hate country music and cowboy hats. I always have a lot to complain about when it comes to this city. But the truth is the city is where I grew up. I discovered who I am and what I want out of my life. I discovered who I am and honestly I see why so many people reject me, I am not always my biggest fan either. But I am trying to work with what I have and make something better out of myself. And I found all this drive, inspiration and ambition right here in Calgary.
My 15 years in Calgary feels like it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. It started low but I met people who changed my life, my views, my heart and soul forever. And although a lot of my time here has been anything but easy, I can’t say that I would lose any part of it in my history. Because my history feels like it is a really important part of this person I am trying to build, this person I know I am going to be proud to be. So, thank you Calgary for being a part of who I am and who I am becoming. Thank you to everyone who I have met here. Whether you have been a friend or enemy, whether you have been an ally or a foe, whether you have been an inspiration or pain in my ass or heart; you have thought me lessons I promise to carry on with me.
I have tried to get out of this city many times before and I have come close but I have come back. I think that was because I needed more lessons under my belt and because I didn’t really know what I wanted out of my life. Now I know. I have thought about it and I want it so bad. So, although I am grateful for my 15 years in Calgary, I am most definitely hoping that 15 years does not turn into 16 and so on. I am ready to put all this ambition to use and see where it takes me in the next 15 years in my life.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
I Want To Hold Your Hand - T.V. Carpio {Lyrics}
just watched across the universe for the millionth time... i love this song *sigh*.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Dia Frampton - Losing My Religion [Studio Version]
I love this rendition of one of my favourite songs ever... from NBC The Voice of all places.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Fiona Apple - Paper Bag (lyrics)
it is sad how many times in my life these lyrics have been so dead on... and here i am again
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thank You, Oprah!
I have been watching the Oprah Winfrey show just about all my life. She has always been a relatable inspiration to me but in the last 3 years she became something more to me.
After some rough personal times I became lost and stuck on survival mode. My life was work and coming home to hide away from the world. I was a ghost of who I was and I totally lost sight of who I wanted to become. In those years I worked at the radio station and trudged along in depression, I was never able to make it home in time to watch Oprah. Until one day I was home sick with the flu, sitting like a zombie on my couch, when the Oprah show came on and introduced me to Eat Pray Love. That moment changed me so much. First of all it got me off the couch and to Chapter’s because when Oprah tells me to buy a book… I go… immediately. Reading that book got me to realize that I have the power to change things in my life. I didn’t need to be stuck anymore.
After the phenomenon that was Eat Pray Love, I have dedicated myself to watching Oprah every day and frequent her website as much as I do Facebook. This glorious, strong, powerful woman came into this world poor and unwanted. She suffered intense pain and heartache at a very young age and still somehow made herself into a mogul. You can say what you will about Oprah. Maybe she is a bit oversaturated and her personality at times, overwhelming. But you can’t deny that Oprah uses her influence in amazing ways that have changed the world. I know she has changed mine.
Oprah and her show inspire me every day because when I was down and out it was not the silver lining and better day clichés that people threw at me that made me feel better. What got me through was seeing people come back and thrive after devastation in their life, most suffered losses that I could never really understand. But when I see mothers who have lost children start charities to make the world a better place, women who are married off at 11 years old come back to earn a PhD and build schools to help girls like themselves, and 500 pound women and men save themselves from the brink of death; I have faith. I have faith because I come from the same clothe that these people do. We all do. We come from the same God/Universe/Creator/etc that created these strong, resilient survivors and Oprah herself. And somehow thinking about that made me feel less alone and less afraid to take part in life again. This past year I vowed to change my life because Oprah and all the amazing resilient guests on her show made me believe in the power of my existence and for that I am forever grateful. Thank you Oprah for 25 inspiring years and for all the things I know you are going to continue doing to make the world a better place.
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” – Oprah.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
MIKA - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
In desperate need of some happy music! And since this big girl appreciates a song about beauty... here it is!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Television Dreamin'
Let the following statement be clarified now as a vast understatement; I have been known to be a tad over emotional. My tear ducts often have a damp mind of their own. My feelings are as often passionate as they are unrequited. I have spent my whole life pretending like my brain is in charge but every big decision (mistake)I have made has been lead by my emotions. Over and over again my emotions and feelings have been my ruin. Whether they are freely flowing or erupted in a blast of messy, drunken and often written emotion; my feelings often lead to disaster.
I have been planning, researching and studying Toronto, Second City, and the Television Industry intensively for the last couple of years. Developing this new dream from myself helped save me from the darkness I was in at the time. I may have even driven myself slightly insane with all the over-thinking. But I want to be like the women I admire so much, Tina Fey and Oprah, living my passion in a smart and successful way. I mean do you think Tina Fey or Oprah have been mortified by a drunken text lately? Unlikely...
I have put myself through the ringer for the hope of finding someone to love me. My emotions have led me to give so much of myself away without ever waiting for someone to meet me half way. I attack my own dignity by obsessing, drunken texting and emailing and even pretending to understand and enjoy football to impress the latest douche bag I am trying to make love me. And it has always ended up with me alone with my real boyfriend Television.
Television has been the real love of my life, literally at first sight. Whether it was Super Grover, Alex P. Keaton, Rachel Green, or Liz Lemon even in my loneliest, pathetic fat girl moments I have had the company of these characters to carry me through. One of only things to save me through the social hell of high school was Saturday Night Live. So, not only am I passionate about television I feel in debt to it because it has not only been my constant companion over the years but I am pretty certain it has been my savior.
Other people's doubt doesn't matter anymore. My emotions and feelings don't matter anymore. My silly dream of love definitely doesn't matter anymore. I am a woman with a mission flowing through every cell of her body. I will cope, rationally and responsibly, in this big bad world on my own because it is what I have got to do to make a lifelong dream come true. Television is who I am. It is my future.
Oh sweet TV Goddesses Tina Fey and Oprah Winfrey send me your super powers!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Oops, I forgot to live in the moment!
I am beginning to rely on the gym to keep my sanity living in the limbo while I save for the next part of my-becoming-superstar-sitcom-writer journey. My job is helping me with the money saving part of things but it is pretty laid back. Sometimes I am almost crazy enough to miss a little stress in my days! How insane is that? Anyways the good thing about my laidback days is that I have like ton of energy when I am done work and I use as much of it as I can at the gym. The gym is the only part of my life lately where I feel on my path and filled with purpose.
I know you are supposed to "live in the moment" but the truth is my head, heart and soul are already in Toronto. I am so excited for a fresh start and to fulfill my high school dream of taking classes at Second City. I am excited about exploring parts of my great country that I have yet to explore. I have been doing some research on my new home and it sounds like it is going to be the perfect fit for me. I don't have to drive! Toronto is supposedly set up in little neighbourhood villages, which sounds super duper cute and like a new adventure every weekend! Plus, all that dreamy, lovely potential TV work! AND - a beach in the city! So, yeah I am a little excited. I am going to finish out my contract with the government and start applying for work in Toronto and hope to GOD I can pull it all off. Until then, while I get these days with antsy pants I have got the gym to keep me on route. AND - Tina Fey’s amazing book to inspire me! Nerds can make it too, people! Nerds can make it, too!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Grey's Anatomy Music Event - Universe & U
I will admit that I was VERY skeptical/intrigued about the Grey's Musical Event. The episode turned out to be one of the most moving of the show's history. This song originally by KT Tunstall is sung by actresses Jessica Capshaw and Sara Ramirez is my favourite in the episode! I can't stop listening to it!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Found my fire... again...
Monday will make two weeks since I slipped and sprained my ankle. I will admit that the last two weeks have not exactly been my best moments on the journey to Andrea 2.0. Some old bad habits found me again and I slipped back into the familiarity of who I used to be. I began living for the wrong the things again, all those things I used to want that got me no where. I was beginning to think I lost my way.
The weather has been grey and it has matched my mood perfectly. Then a snowstorm sweeps in and mirrors my panic attacks in my head that I am not getting anywhere with my plan to move forward. The last two weeks have been a constant cycle of grey and snowstorms. Work slowly goes on by quietly, uneventful and it scares me when sometimes I have felt myself just going through the motions again. That is definitely a bad habit from my past, it was how I lived for the past 3 year, like a robot.
So, today my ankle is feeling better and I decided to go back to the gym. And I am so glad I did. Because I put on my old Nike's, turned up my beats, and ran straight into who I am trying to be. I feel the fire again. The change that is taking me forward might have been on hiatus during my injury but it is back and ready to kick some serious ass. Bring on the snowstorms, bring on the grey skies, bring transit mess ups and icy roads; but if this giant butt of mine can make it through just half an hour on the elliptical trainer; nothing is going to stop me. I'm on my way.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Eddie Vedder - Longing To Belong
Forget the Spanish subtitles and close your eyes and listen! I can't stop listening to this song!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The power of pink laces....
Today I am longing to see the sun and the last of winter. I was getting so excited about seeing the grass, watching the snow melt and the ice slowly disappear. But the hopes of spring are dashed pretty much every year here in Calgary when we get that big old dump of snow right smack in the middle of St.Patrick’s Day and the first day of spring. This year was no different and my lovely but always cautious morning walk to the C-Train station was turned into a snowy walk in ankle-bending hell. Needless to say I needed to be rescued by my brother, driven around by my Dad and limping around. Ugh.
The twinge in my ankle is an all too familiar feeling. I have broken bones twice and sadly both while very drunk. Not exactly my proudest moments. The first time I was washing away my sorrows about a boy of course and ended up assaulting a candy machine with my doomed foot. That got me 6 weeks in a cast during college. The second time I was having the time of my life at a work Christmas Party with my best friend as my date. The drinks were flowing and I was “working” the dance floor. Then, Russia’s Favourite Love Machine, my amazing Russian dance skills and my best friend’s shoes tragically combined to destroy my ankle. It was broken with torn tendons, in a cast for 9 weeks. It was within those 9 weeks that I went to Vegas to meet the guy I was so crazy about with my best friend. It turned out to be the beginning of their love story and my nightmare. And it is probably not very healed of me to be thinking about that time every time my ankle twinges. The thing is when I think about that time now. I don’t think about them. I think about me in those worst moments of my life. I look at how I reacted by lashing out and literally falling apart and I feel pain for that girl. Hobbling around in a haze of misery, hell even after that cast came off, I hobbled around in a haze. I gave up trying and hoping. For far too long, I was anything but alive.
Every so often someone would try to get me out amongst the living and once in awhile I would go. One of those times was when my friend Jenny asked me to do the MS Walk in support of her. Jenny is a friend from college, who has MS and has this positive spirit that lights up any room she graces. Jenny was an inspiration to me. So even though, I was at my heaviest and so focused on just getting through the days, I decided I want to get off my ass and join the land of the living for awhile. But first, I needed shoes. I have always been a fan of Nikes so they were like my first and only choice. I bought my Nikes and started doing practice walks during lunches and on the weekends with my cheerleader/coach Meghan. So, I collected pledges and did the walk and felt good about it but somehow that old haze found me again. And those Nikes collected dust minus a few walks here and there in the mountains, until I put some pink laces on them and decided to make a comeback. I swear to you the minute those pink laces got on those shoes I had me flying. I have so much energy on the elliptical trainer; I was brave-ish enough to cross the Golden Gate Bridge and travel around Europe alone. It is probably fairly crazy think, but I sort of believe those pink laces gave me super powers. Hehe.
So, when the twinge reminds me of my horrible time in Vegas, I remember who I was in those moments but then I remind myself of who I am today and where I am going. The haze I used to hobble around is long gone along with that zombie girl I used to be. So, for however long I feel this damn twinge, I am going to remember these last 8 months and be proud of my perseverance and strength. Now, I am hobbling around with purpose (hopefully towards some sunshine).
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Hand me a can opener....
I am in the beginning of a book that is already making me really uncomfortable with its truth about my situation. It is another recommendation from the one and only Oprah called Women Food and God. I had heard about this book awhile ago but just the title freaked me out. Women Food and God says to me, “Let’s Open An Emotional Can of Worms”, and I am SO not one for actually confronting issues. I hate confrontation but you can always find me hiding away in avoidance, it is comfortable there. Actually, honestly it is only comfortable there until my health is actually suffering and I am not fitting into anything anymore. Anyways, to anyone with common sense it is a terrible way to live, so I am trying to change my ways. I am eating a grapefruit in the morning, healthy lunches and I go to the gym and I feel powerful and then when I am left alone with myself after dinner, I would rather turn to food than to be left alone with my thoughts. Ugh.
So, I guess I should make mention of what got me to pick up that dang book, finally. This past week, I have worked really hard at the gym. I did my first two hour session at the gym on Sunday and felt the pain but kept going back to the gym throughout the week. I took all my frustrations dealing with negative people during the day and put that energy into running at the gym. I can’t explain the drive I feel when I am on the elliptical trainer listening some awesome beats. I feel like at that very moment I am gasping for breath, every cell in my body is committed to this new life I want and it feels so friggin’ empowering! I wish I could bottle that feeling and carry it with me through the day. Because it only takes hours for that feeling to go away and by the end of the day I am left alone. Alone, to regret my past, worry about my future, and be overwhelmed by the thought of all I have to do to get where I want to go. It all washes over me and I feel like I am drowning. So, my instinct has always been to comfort myself with food but the reality is I lose myself in food. It is just another way for me to avoid dealing with other feelings. So, unbelievably after working out so hard all week, every time I was confronted with temptations after 8pm, I caved! And then I went to bed berating myself, promising to start over tomorrow and wake up to the same cycle. And that my friends, is the ugly truth, to why I fail every diet and why my weight loss is currently stalled.
But this time unlike any time before I don’t feel like just giving into the overwhelming hopelessness I feel when I think about my weight. I feel like conquering it and being free of being overweight, once and for all. And that means I have got to come out of hiding and deal! Just deal with everything. And I know it is scary but I feel ready to be a fearless when it comes to moving forward in my life. So, I will read the book and open up that terrifying Emotional Can Of Worms and see who I am on the other side of it all. Here’s hoping I come out stronger, working in TV, 130 pounds and a size 10!
