I am in the beginning of a book that is already making me really uncomfortable with its truth about my situation. It is another recommendation from the one and only Oprah called Women Food and God. I had heard about this book awhile ago but just the title freaked me out. Women Food and God says to me, “Let’s Open An Emotional Can of Worms”, and I am SO not one for actually confronting issues. I hate confrontation but you can always find me hiding away in avoidance, it is comfortable there. Actually, honestly it is only comfortable there until my health is actually suffering and I am not fitting into anything anymore. Anyways, to anyone with common sense it is a terrible way to live, so I am trying to change my ways. I am eating a grapefruit in the morning, healthy lunches and I go to the gym and I feel powerful and then when I am left alone with myself after dinner, I would rather turn to food than to be left alone with my thoughts. Ugh.
So, I guess I should make mention of what got me to pick up that dang book, finally. This past week, I have worked really hard at the gym. I did my first two hour session at the gym on Sunday and felt the pain but kept going back to the gym throughout the week. I took all my frustrations dealing with negative people during the day and put that energy into running at the gym. I can’t explain the drive I feel when I am on the elliptical trainer listening some awesome beats. I feel like at that very moment I am gasping for breath, every cell in my body is committed to this new life I want and it feels so friggin’ empowering! I wish I could bottle that feeling and carry it with me through the day. Because it only takes hours for that feeling to go away and by the end of the day I am left alone. Alone, to regret my past, worry about my future, and be overwhelmed by the thought of all I have to do to get where I want to go. It all washes over me and I feel like I am drowning. So, my instinct has always been to comfort myself with food but the reality is I lose myself in food. It is just another way for me to avoid dealing with other feelings. So, unbelievably after working out so hard all week, every time I was confronted with temptations after 8pm, I caved! And then I went to bed berating myself, promising to start over tomorrow and wake up to the same cycle. And that my friends, is the ugly truth, to why I fail every diet and why my weight loss is currently stalled.
But this time unlike any time before I don’t feel like just giving into the overwhelming hopelessness I feel when I think about my weight. I feel like conquering it and being free of being overweight, once and for all. And that means I have got to come out of hiding and deal! Just deal with everything. And I know it is scary but I feel ready to be a fearless when it comes to moving forward in my life. So, I will read the book and open up that terrifying Emotional Can Of Worms and see who I am on the other side of it all. Here’s hoping I come out stronger, working in TV, 130 pounds and a size 10!
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