The last couple of days, self doubt has been riding on my shoulders like a pirate’s parrot. I have a big opportunity to change my life in a way that I have been waiting to do for 15 years now. But I have been obsessing about everything that could wrong and driving myself crazy (not Charlie Sheen crazy, I don’t do coke).
I came to Calgary kicking and screaming, then, I grew sort of like it, to hating it again, and I even grew to absolutely loving it here. Winnipeg was where I was born but Calgary is where I grew up in all the good and bad ways and I think that makes this place my home. But now, I genuinely feel like I have outgrown it here. The only thing about Calgary that makes me want to stay is the one of the most important things in my life, my family. I think that is where all the doubt really stems from. I have deep concerns over my own abilities to cope without them. I mean I know I have done a stint here and there away from my parents but now I am planning a permanent move across the country, alone.
Because of some choices I made, my social life has pretty much been non-existent this past three years and my family has really been there for me. So, even when friends were pushed away or strayed I was never alone. In Toronto I will be alone, completely by myself in a city where I barely know anyone, certainly not as well as I know my family... and that really freaks me out! I mean even though I have sort of tried to embrace the idea by checking out a movie by myself here and there, and even traveling alone. But knowing I had Calgary and my family to keep coming back to, reassured me that if anything happened where I needed help that I would be covered.
But I have lived a rather safe life so far. I mean, I have taken a few risks with my heart in regards to other people, that didn’t really work out. But Europe was the first big risk I took for me, my happiness and to make a dream of mine come true. And it turned out to be the most content I have been in a long time. So, I am lead to believe that if I go after my biggest dream of all, creating a career in television writing, that I could be the happiest I ever been. I have come to realize that maybe love, marriage and babies might not be in the cards for me and I am so much more okay with letting that dream go rather than sacrificing my dream of becoming a television writer.
I have lived in the city I was born in, obviously. I have lived in Calgary because my Dad's work brought my family here. And for a short stint I moved to Saskatoon out of career desperation. But I have never really lived in a city that I actually chose and wanted to live in. I really want to move to Toronto and pursue my dream. And I really I don’t want to psyche myself and not go. I don’t want my doubts to block my dreams anymore. This dream and my happiness deserve my fearlessness. I want this and I am going to make this happen. Its decided then! I am going to STOP worrying and START planning because God has presented me with the perfect opportunity to go after this dream this fall and I am not going to screw it up. So, this is me getting over my three day funk! Be gone funk!
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