Today I am longing to see the sun and the last of winter. I was getting so excited about seeing the grass, watching the snow melt and the ice slowly disappear. But the hopes of spring are dashed pretty much every year here in Calgary when we get that big old dump of snow right smack in the middle of St.Patrick’s Day and the first day of spring. This year was no different and my lovely but always cautious morning walk to the C-Train station was turned into a snowy walk in ankle-bending hell. Needless to say I needed to be rescued by my brother, driven around by my Dad and limping around. Ugh.
The twinge in my ankle is an all too familiar feeling. I have broken bones twice and sadly both while very drunk. Not exactly my proudest moments. The first time I was washing away my sorrows about a boy of course and ended up assaulting a candy machine with my doomed foot. That got me 6 weeks in a cast during college. The second time I was having the time of my life at a work Christmas Party with my best friend as my date. The drinks were flowing and I was “working” the dance floor. Then, Russia’s Favourite Love Machine, my amazing Russian dance skills and my best friend’s shoes tragically combined to destroy my ankle. It was broken with torn tendons, in a cast for 9 weeks. It was within those 9 weeks that I went to Vegas to meet the guy I was so crazy about with my best friend. It turned out to be the beginning of their love story and my nightmare. And it is probably not very healed of me to be thinking about that time every time my ankle twinges. The thing is when I think about that time now. I don’t think about them. I think about me in those worst moments of my life. I look at how I reacted by lashing out and literally falling apart and I feel pain for that girl. Hobbling around in a haze of misery, hell even after that cast came off, I hobbled around in a haze. I gave up trying and hoping. For far too long, I was anything but alive.
Every so often someone would try to get me out amongst the living and once in awhile I would go. One of those times was when my friend Jenny asked me to do the MS Walk in support of her. Jenny is a friend from college, who has MS and has this positive spirit that lights up any room she graces. Jenny was an inspiration to me. So even though, I was at my heaviest and so focused on just getting through the days, I decided I want to get off my ass and join the land of the living for awhile. But first, I needed shoes. I have always been a fan of Nikes so they were like my first and only choice. I bought my Nikes and started doing practice walks during lunches and on the weekends with my cheerleader/coach Meghan. So, I collected pledges and did the walk and felt good about it but somehow that old haze found me again. And those Nikes collected dust minus a few walks here and there in the mountains, until I put some pink laces on them and decided to make a comeback. I swear to you the minute those pink laces got on those shoes I had me flying. I have so much energy on the elliptical trainer; I was brave-ish enough to cross the Golden Gate Bridge and travel around Europe alone. It is probably fairly crazy think, but I sort of believe those pink laces gave me super powers. Hehe.
So, when the twinge reminds me of my horrible time in Vegas, I remember who I was in those moments but then I remind myself of who I am today and where I am going. The haze I used to hobble around is long gone along with that zombie girl I used to be. So, for however long I feel this damn twinge, I am going to remember these last 8 months and be proud of my perseverance and strength. Now, I am hobbling around with purpose (hopefully towards some sunshine).
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