I have to admit that I am not always a silver lining, positive kind of person, especially in my recent history. But last July I decided to start working towards a better future and it is sort of hard to have hope for the future when you are walking around with a negative outlook. So, I made a conscious decision to change my outlook on life and have hope again. I could literally feel some of the doom and gloom lift away from me when I was in traveling in California and Europe. I really and truly appreciated every part of that experience. And when I got back home for the first time since I came home from Saskatoon, I was excited to see the mountains and be back in Calgary. The gym helped me keep positive while the job search went on and even kept me positive enough to plan out how I was going go to Toronto to pursue my TV dream. And then, I found this amazing job opportunity in Calgary that would get me there in 6 months. I was so excited and happy! And I decided I wanted to clean up some things in my past and resolve some old mistakes with my old friends before I went anywhere and I sent some of them apologies. And I got back one very predictable, nasty message from someone so predictable in her negativity, that she could never imagine someone could actually wanted to work at being better version of herself. Anyways, at first that negative response fueled me forward but some of her words struck and for letting it have that power, I am disappointed in myself. She pointed things about me that I will truly admit used to be very true but I honestly believe that a lot of that has changed. I also know that I am human and that I am going to mess up. And I can't control what other people think they know about me. However, I can control my reaction to other people's negative energy and this week I have done a pretty shitty job of doing that. I have been feeling restless here in Calgary and even in this amazing job, that I should truly only being seeing as an opportunity. I have been snapping at everyone in this house because I am feeling trapped here and worried that I will never leave Calgary. And then this morning I realize that I am freaking out because I am worried that the worst everyone thinks of me might be true. Here's the worst, I think everyone thinks of me: "That I am fat, lazy, often over-dramatic, sometimes shut off to the world, all talk, no action, bitch who is not going anywhere in this life." ... Well some of that maybe even the worst I think of myself.
The thing is I am acknowledging that some of that stuff could have been true in my past and some of it even lingers in me today but I am trying really hard to be better than that. And that doesn't leave much time for self-doubt or opinions from people who have no idea who I am and who I am trying to be.
Every time I am at the gym I feel this strong sense of FIGHT in me. I am fighting against the shitty parts of myself and the people who think they know me and doubt me. I am fighting for this life I want where I am the best, most healthy version of myself doing something I am passionate about and surrounded by people I can have fun with and trust. I am not letting anyone stand in my way of that anymore, including myself.
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