Germany and Austria were not places I had too many expectations about when I booked my trip. They were just pit stops between Amsterdam and Italy, the places I was really looking forward to along with Paris. Turns out they ended up being some of the most beautiful, interesting and colourful places I have ever seen in my short life. Germany actually ended up having a major effect on my life and my future but not before it gave me a rowdy good time at its beer halls.
Amsterdam was a bit of whirlwind of booze, sex, history, and smoky coffeeshops. So, I was ready to just chill out in Austria and I didn't think there wouldn't be anything new and exciting there for me. After all from what I saw when we were driving in, it was not too much different from home with all the snow (which my Aussie and South African friends were so pumped to see) and mountains. We parked in a very unremarkable coach parking lot and it was only when we walked through this brick-lined arch that Innsbruck, Austria blew me away. Settled in between the mountains was this cobbled stoned city with colourful, whimsical buildings filled with the cutest shops and people I have ever seen in my life. It was straight out of a Disney movie or something. We enjoyed desserts, tasted a lot of schnapps, and enjoyed the warm fluffy atmosphere in the cold mountain air. Some of the younger people on the tour (yeah I am ancient) went clubbing that night and they said they met some of the best people they ever met in Innsbruck. I didn't doubt them because all during that day it was hard not to notice the smiling happy children with their incredibly perfect looking parents. No wonder the Sound of Music was filmed in Austria. In my mind Innsbruck is the happiest, most perfect place in the world.
Because I was so unexpectedly surprised about Austria, I was wondering what was in store for me on the way to Germany. At first while we were driving through it was also very much like home with mountains rolling into hills. Hints of Germany's unique beauty came as the sun was setting as we drove through the Rhine Valley. Hidden in the hills on the banks of the Rhine Valley were beautiful castles straight out of a fairytale. As the sky became darker we began drive through what I am pretty sure was the Black Forest until in the thick of night we arrived in St.Goar, Germany. The streets and even the corridors of our old hotel were very dark as we got to our rooms to settle in before our wine tasting that night. My roommate and I heard music coming from the street and went to the window and saw what had to be the whole population of St.Goar with colourful lanterns parading down the cobbled street in front of our hotel. I am not sure what it was all about but I thought it was a cute way to start my stay in Germany.
That night we walked the dark streets of St.Goar to a nearby winery. We walked down into an ancient wine cellar. There were benches and long tables lit by candles, little shot glasses and cheese. It wasn't until a couple of years ago did I pick up an appreciation for wine and even then it was only white wine. Well I was lucky because this particular winery specialized in white wine. I tasted 4 delicious white wines and a very sweet and yummy ice wine. We then headed back to the hotel had a few drinks and chatted amongst ourselves before heading to bed. I decided to have a shower before bed because we were leaving pretty early for Munich in the morning and I thought a nice hot shower would relax me before I slept. Well when 45 other people beat you to that idea in an old hotel with a pretty small water heater, you can expect to have the coldest shower of your life. I was so chilly that night that I didn't sleep that well and I think I slept most of the way to Munich.
Our tour manager was really good at giving us a ton of the information for the next place we were stopping on the tour. And I really wanted to know about the places I didn't know much about like, Austria and Germany. The problem was I think I was trained when I was a baby to pass out in a warm smooth moving vehicle. So in Munich, when the group split up into people going to shop for lederhosens and dirdnls and those going for the walking tour, I chose the walking tour. Plus, my body is not exactly dirdnl-ready.
The guy who took us on the walking tour was from New York City and the most hilarious guide I have ever met in my life. He made the already interesting history of Munich even more amusing by adding his own take on it, peppered with some colourful language. I was amazed by the detail in the architecture and the vanity of its leaders to create such extravagant shrines to themselves. I knew that the Romans were famous for this but the German leaders were just as opulent. And then there was the brainwashing of a nation by Hitler followed by the tragedy of the Holocaust.
I was not sure what to expect of the German people because of this history and because of their reputation for being a very stern people. But in the hotels and shops we had visited in Germany everyone seemed to be incredibly friendly and even more so that night at the Beer hall. Maybe it was because half of the tour was dressed up in Bavarian gear but the tourist and locals in the beer hall were amazingly sweet to all of us. The girls and guys in costume were getting the most attention in the beer hall but even me in my sweater and jeans and felt drinking hat I had bought in the middle of this drunken night, got my cheeks rubbed by a smiling German man in green lederhosens (see picture). The band was great, the beers were HUGE, and the crowd was jovial and tipsy. I would so go back for Oktoberfest! After only two large beers I decided not to go clubbing with the crazy Aussies and drunkenly head back to the coach and back to the hotel. I was too hyper drunk to go to bed, so I sat in the bar and decided it was a good idea to add 4 cocktails to the 2 liters of beer I had just drank. The funny conversations I had that night made it a good idea but waking up the next morning and getting on the coach the next day, made it a bad idea.
Okay after all that fluffiness, history and drunkenness you may be asking yourself where was the monumental life changing moment. It came the next grey, rainy, hung-over day after I dragged myself through the BMW museum and drove out of Munich.
That was when we ended up in Dachau. We were visiting an old concentration camp. I had learned about the Holocaust in school and more at Ann Frank House and yesterday during our walking tour. It was all just horrific historical story to me until we walked through those gates at Dachau. I can't explain the feeling I got to you as I stood on the same pebbles hundreds of thousands of prisoners of war walked through. My heart tightened and I felt cold and I knew this place was the end of way too many and caused suffering for way too many more. As I walked through the barracks and saw their openly exposed toilets lined in a row, I broke down. These poor people were tortured and killed because of someone with so much hate in him fueled a whole nation to stand behind him as he slaughtered millions of people. And as I saw the extermination chambers I realized this was all the consequence of hate. I began to think about the impact hate had had in my life over the 3 years.
At first after everything went down in Vegas I was filled with grief. I just cried and cried and when the tears ran out all that grief hardened into hate. I hate them for what they did to me, I hated my friends for trying to stay in middle of us rather than just choosing my side, and I hated myself for being so vulnerable to what I had let happen to me. Every day I seethed and wanted to see Karma come and bitch slap them. I lived to see that happen and when instead I kept hearing how they were moving in together and then getting married, my hatred spread to God, Karma, the Universe or whomever else was in charge up there. My hate was all consuming and sometimes even today when I think about it bubbles up.
But as hate had its consequence on millions of people who died in the holocaust, on a smaller scale hate had its consequences in my life too. I locked myself into my own little world, skeptical of people, disgusted with myself, and I lost any light there had been in my life. And now that I am trying emerge from all that darkness I know that I have to forgive so many people and myself. I am not saying I want to be friends with any of the people I removed from my life 3 years ago but I do want to let go for my hate for them.
Forgive is an Aramaic word that literally means to untie. I want to untie myself from my hate for my friends who I thought betrayed me, for myself being so vulnerable to getting hurt, and for the people who broke my heart to pieces. It is easier for me to forgive and untie myself from my hate for my old friends because hindsight has made me realize how irrational I was about making them chose a side and in fact it is their forgiveness I should be seeking. Fighting to get my life back I think is a sign that I beginning to forgive myself and I am really beginning to see that I am wiser because of all that has happen. The only people I am finding it hard to forgive to this day are the two people who I have thought all along deserved my hate more than anyone I had ever known.
But my hate has no impact on their life or what Karma shall come upon them for any sins they may have committed against me. The hate impacts only me by keeping them apart of my life now and I don't want that anymore. So how do you forgive someone who has hurt you as badly as they hurt me? Do you remember that at one point in your life you genuinely loved them both and you wanted them to be happy? I don’t know, that doesn't seem to bring me any peace or sense of forgiveness. But visiting Dachau and realizing how tragic hate can be, made me committed to find away to learn how to forgive them and untie myself from the hate I carry with me. I am not sure if I am all the way there yet with the whole forgiveness thing but now I am at least on my way... forward.
Thank you Germany, for giving me another piece of the puzzle for Andrea 2.0.
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