I usually only blog on days when I am feeling good and hopeful. I don't like spreading my doom and gloom in the world too much, so I restrain from posting anything negative. But the truth is bad days do exist and this blog is about my journey to transforming my life and I guess even on that journey there are days like these. Days where I feel completely overwhelmed by the work I have to do to get my life to be what I want it be and hell just to get the bills paid. I sometimes honestly don't think I am capable of this whole adult thing. Even though I have graduated from college, started a career which is now changing, had my heart stomped on countless times, moved out and then back in ,and came back from a lot of crappy times to find happiness and myself again in Europe; I still can't help thinking I stopped maturing after 16 or 17 years old.
Like how reliant I am on my parents. Not so much for money usually but for other stuff. I was so stupidly homesick when I moved away to Saskatoon. And I made sure that my apartment was not too far away from my parents place when I moved back to Calgary. And even though I said my reasons for moving back home were just to help my Dad and save some money to travel, the truth I was lonely living alone. So, I was okay with moving back home for the most part. But now I have visions of a new life in Toronto and that is a lot further away than Saskatoon. Am I going to be able to handle that all my own?
I have been working since I was 16 years old and I have been handling my money pretty much the same way the whole time. In avoidance and just do what I want with. When I was living alone I was forced to kind of get a little more responsible with my money but then the bills, which I rarely opened and just guestimated how much they would be, were piling up and I didn't have that much of a choice in the matter. And when I moved back home I had a bit of a chance to get my debt controlled for the most part and even start to save for a trip to Europe and to move to Toronto one day. And then I lost my freaking job!?!?!?! And decided to go to San Francisco and Europe and spend every damn last penny doing it!?!?!?!?! Are you freaking kidding me Andrea Marston!?!?!?! That is something a 16 year old would do and the stupid part about it is, that most parts of my brain doesn't regret this at all. But I should have managed my money better, I should have not traveled for so long and I should have had a job lined up for as soon as I got back. I should have but instead I am just back in the debt with the no job. Fantastic!
And I am just as pathetic as that 16 year old girl who spent her whole 11th grade in the back of the library because she didn't know how to sort things out with the people who she had fallen out with and she had no clue how to make new friends. 12 years later and somehow that is still my life! And I know that is all on me. But I still have no clue what to do about it after all this time. People ask me if I would ever go back and make things right with the high school friends that I cut out of my life. The truth is I don't want to go backwards and I think their reason and season for being in my life is complete. I am sorry for being somewhat irrational when I cut them out of my life but I don't think it is a good idea to go back there again. I do have some friends now, mostly old work friends and the 2 college friends that I still talk to me on a somewhat regular basis but if I want any kind of social life, I have got to make some new friends. I have about the same amount of knowledge on how to get a boyfriend, as I do on how to make new friends and that would be NONE! All the friends I have made in the past have been at school or work. Going on the tour alone and being forced to be social after my three years of basically being a hermit was a giant leap for me and truth-be-told I am not usually the type to take giant leaps. But I met great people and I think I did an okay job with being social and making friends. But now, I am home and I have no clue where, how, when and with who I can test out my new socializing skills with. I feel like Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man awkwardly having to go out and make friends, alas where is my Sidney Fife/Jason Segal? And then I am going to Toronto and have to start all over again, yet again! Yay? I am tired of being a social awkward nerd.... I am tired of being alone. BLERGH!!
And then there is my weight which I have been struggling with long before I was 16. My flabby dark cloud that follows me around. I have been on countless different diets from the time I was 7 years old. My weight has fluctuated on different diets and work out plans but I have pretty much have always been the fat girl. I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight but sometimes my faith in myself and any sort of inspiration are a lot harder to come by than food. Food is always there and I wish it would just go away and not taste good at all. I just want to be rid my fat for once and for all but the whole struggle seem to be never-ending and it scares me that I will never get it under control. I want to give it my all this time, I want to be strong enough to really go for it this time. I am just worried it won't work or I will screw it up again and again and again.
When I was feeling low back in June and July before I decided to turn things around, it was like fate handed me moments of inspiration. I was home sick one day and I happened to catch an episode of Oprah where she was talking to Julia Roberts about her new movie Eat Pray Love. Deciding to read that book before the movie came out changed my life. It made me believe that I could really transform myself but can I?
I am just having some bad days where food and procrastination seem to be the way I am heading. I know what I want my future to look like; I just have to no idea where to start the process of getting there. I guess I just have to dive in and see what happens. But if God or the Universe is listening I could really use some inspiration.
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