Ben Harper - Better Way

Hell yeah! How's that for a message?

"The feeling of happiness dwells in the soul."

My new job is amazing! It is not as lively as my old jobs but I have my own office with a mountain view and a DOOR! It's amazing! And everyone I work with is so nice and I feel like I am going to learn a lot in my time there.
Since I got laid off everything in my life seems different. Being able to take the time off to travel, having time to spend whole days working out and taking care of myself, and now getting this amazing opportunity with this real grown up job. And all the stuff that was good before I got laid off like my supportive and amazing family, the few but sincere friends I am blessed with, and all the dreams I have about my future, it all feels just a little bit sweeter lately.
I have never felt more ready to not just merely be an adult but like kick ass at being an adult. I feel like I have the opportunity to be the adult I used to wish I would be when I was sitting in the back of the library wallowing in my teen angst at 16.
And all my mistakes, pain, insecurities, and the hate I carried in my heart... I am leaving those all in the past. It is all finally where it belongs, six feet under buried and dead. All that's left is desire to move on to something SO much better. I'm so ready to be happy. I'm so ready to make my ambitions the reality of my life. Nothing and no one is going to get in my way.

Dog Days Are Over

I can't prove to people I have not seen in years that I have changed but there's really is no need to prove myself to people who are not in or wanted back in my life. Apologizing to my old friends was something I did for my own benefit rather than to get a response from anyone, I will admit. I wanted to say the words out loud or typed out I guess, "I was wrong and I am sorry." So far the responses have been lacking or ranting and I am honestly not surprised, I didn't expect much more. I do honestly regret my action but that being said everything that happened brought me here and I have a feeling that here is just the beginning of the next part of my life. A part free from high school drama, after college pain, and all the hate of the past and I wanted closure and the responses don't matter.

I know I have changed. I know that I am ready to take on new challenges and chase lifelong dreams. I know I am ready to be healthy and happy. I know that I will be good to those who come into my life because I am not scared of people anymore. God has proved to me that there are good people in my life who see me for what I am and love me.

I am sorry for being a coward to my old friend and I know they think that by saying that and even writing this blog, I am playing the victim. But I can't prove to them I have changed. I do wish them the best in the future and I do let them go.

Those apologies and this blog is about my personal journey forward. The dog days are over. I am ready to move past all the baggage, walk into the ultra-fabulous future I am creating for myself, and away from the insecure lost girl they think they know.

I'm ready for tomorrow and every day after that because not only do I have infinite belief in who Andrea Marston is, I also, have infinite belief that I am blessed. Tomorrow is a new day, a new challenge and I'm going to kick its ass.

...seems to be the hardest word...

I want to be happy. But "there is no Yellow Brick Road to happiness. You lead life, it doesn't lead you." - Oprah. So, I have to fix the things that don't make me happy. Although, I feel like I have conquered quite a few of my demons this past year. I know I need to get a better handle on my eating habits and I need to face up to my part in destroying quite a few friendships.

As much as I dread having to go back into past, unless I resolve some things I can't move forward. The friends that I cut out after everything went down in Vegas were not just acquaintances. They were friends from the time I was 16. Friends that I had gone through a lot with and who in their own way tried to reach out to me when I was in a bad place. The problem is I hated having them in the middle and hated the reminder that those two people existed. So I cut them out without much notice and it was a cowardly thing I did, in a dark time in my life.

Now don't get me wrong I am not venturing in my past to take up residence there. I am going back to say I was wrong because I'm better than what I did to those friendships. I want to live my life better than I have in the past and that means getting over myself and apologizing. I sent out some messages that might come off as empty to the recipients but they are sincere. Because I sincerely want to go into this next part of my life with an open and healed heart and making this part of my past right seems like a really important step.

So, as per Oprah's advice, this is me leading life and not letting life lead me.

On my way...

So, I have been unemployed 6 months. And although the generous government of Canada has been helping me out, my savings to get to Toronto is beyond tiny and my debt is ever growing. But today I got fantastic news, I'm employed! Yay! It is a 5 month contract position with a provincial government agency. The pay is fantastic and will REALLY help me save to get to Toronto before my 29th birthday, which in case you have not been reading my blabbering blog is the goal, along with losing all the fat.

I had the interview on Tuesday and although it was probably one of the most confident and relaxed interviews I have ever given, I had doubt I would get the job because of my lack of graphic design experience. In the interview, I told them that I thought I could teach myself to use Adobe Illustrator and apparently I was convincing enough for them to call me and offer to assign me a graphic design project to see if I could figure out the program. And after a half an hour panicked lunch, I locked myself in my room and did up a brochure on Adobe Illustrator and I did a pretty bloody good job, if I do say so! I would like to send out a big thanks to youtube tutorials and google for helping me along. Anyways, it turned out well and I got the job which is such an amazing opportunity to add some new skills to my growing resume, save money for Toronto, and it made me really believe in myself.

There is something genuinely different about me since I started working out and even more so since I have come back from Europe. I feel more sure of who I am and knowing that I can trust myself to not only take care of myself but get myself to the best life possible. And to me the best life possible is being at a healthy weight, traveling frequently and pursuing my dream of making television I would love to watch.

Toronto has the Second City which gives this amazing comedy writing class and conservatory program that makes my brain drool every time I read about it online. I have been wanting to take this thing since I was 17 years old. But money, bonds with other people, and my own fear always got in the way of me chasing this dream. I have never felt ready to go so far away from my family and chasing this gigantic dream of becoming a sitcom writer or professionally writing for or about TV, somehow. I feel strong enough to go for this more now than ever before, I feel like I deserve to have that dream more now than ever before. So, I am mentally ready to go but as per usual my financial situation got in the way. So, I talked to God and literally pleaded my case to help me get to Toronto and to Second City. I pleaded my case by spending three days (with very little sleep) coming up with ideas for spec episodes, writing television articles posted on www.TVGeekArmy.com, sketch ideas for SNL, and my own original sitcom show idea. I want this dream badly and I think that is why he sent this completely random job posting for a 5 month contract position that would pay me enough to get to Toronto and Second City before the end of 2011 (unless I screw this up and I WON'T)!

I have never been more excited, optimistic and completely READY for my future! I'm SO blessed! :) Here I go!

Angus & Julia Stone - You're the one that I want - Rolling Session#12

A beautiful twist on a Grease Classic, that is for some reason helping my creative juices flow!

Inner strength where art thou?

Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head against the wall when it comes to this whole weight loss journey. I don't know what my issue is with food. It is either that unhealthy food is easier to access when I am busy and cheaper to buy when I am broke or it's my lack of willpower that sends me right to the sugars and salts. Ugh it is all excused that I just need to get over! I have changed! Right?

My life doesn't look like it's in a good place right now from the outside looking in. I am extremely overweight, unemployed and pretty solidly cemented into my singleness. I don't really know how to prove or explain to anyone that I really feel like a while ago, I turned a corner on to a better path in my life. And lately I feel like I have to prove to myself that, that is still true. It was easy to convince myself in the beginning when the pounds were flying off, when I took being laid off as good news and went traveling. That change inside me was so evident to me then. Lately, I have been struggling to keep that feeling of change and a new direction in my life alive. When I am struggling with food and applying unsuccessfully for jobs not in my field because there are no jobs in my field, it is hard to stay positive about achieving my goals for the future.

I wish I could carry the feeling of empowerment and purpose I feel when I am on the elliptical trainer with me all day. That feeling is what I want my life to be about. That feeling is about taking the initiative go after what I want. I need to figure out away to take that feeling and help me face my cravings and the job search.

I know I am on a better path to the best version of myself, I believe that. And, I am going to prove to myself and whoever else might care, by doing what it takes to get to my best self. Today I pray for strength to help me believe in myself and achieve these goals I have set for myself. I can do this!!!

Rambling of a TV Geek - February Sweeps!

February is here and to most that means ground hogs and candied hearts but to me it's all about February Sweeps people! It’s when the television networks put out their best work to compete for ratings before more repeats and then season finales. This is where stories lines get juicy and developed for all the frustrating end of season cliff hangers.

Well here are a few things this TV addict is looking forward to this February Sweeps. Be warned I am about to go supremely TV Geeky on you!

1) Saying goodbye to Michael Scott on the Office. Now let me state that I am not happy that Steve Carrell won't be making me giggle every Thursday anymore, in fact that is just downright depressing. But I am excited to see how the Office’s talented writers will give TV's most lovable idiot a happy ending. The web speculation has been delicious and the possibility of Will Ferrell being a possible (likely temporary) replacement for the Office boss makes me giddy with anticipation.

2) I am looking forward to so many things on Grey's Anatomy but I am more than ready to see Cristina Yang get hardcore again! I didn't like crazy non-surgeon Cristina it was unsettling, which I guess was the point. I am also interested to see where the whole Two Lesbians and McSteamy plus a baby on board end up developing into. I am also wondering what this means to one of my favourite Seattle Grace couples, Lexi and McSteamy! And will Meredith and Derek ever get a bun in that oven and will said bun have gorgeous McDreamy hair?

3) Community is my fave and I’m so excited for more hilarious episodes! OMG - could Senor Chang really be that Shirley's baby daddy? And what's up with the whole Annie/Britta/Jeff love triangle? Got to say I am not the biggest fan of that whole thing. Jeff and Britta are the obvious Ross and Rachel in this show. And, Jeff and Annie are so wrong together and it is too early in the show to ruin the group dynamic. Friends was smart enough not to try to pair any of the Friends with Ross and Rachel until the later seasons and even then Joey and Rachel were doomed. And it is obviously too early to bring the two main characters together just yet. So, Jeff Winger needs a lady friend distraction that is not in his group ASAP.

4) GLEE! Is it wrong that I want Finn to date Santana just to get Lea Michele to play crazy, she does it so well! Make Rachel go b a n a n a s! I am also really excited to see the story line between Kurt and Blaine turn into love. I hope Kurt finally gets a real first kiss. The second season of Glee has been a lot better than the first in that, the storylines are deeper and more consistent without as many gaping holes (*cough* Rachel’s Mom *cough*) in it. I believe the pairings of Kurt and Blaine and Quinn and Sam are really giving the show that consistent chemistry it was lacking in the first season. But what are we going to do with poor old cheesy Mr. Shuester?

5) Dear Carter Bays, You write one of the most brilliantly annoying shows, How I Met Your Mother? I am so invested in all these characters, their history together, and who the hell the Mother is, that I tune religiously. Yet, this season you seem to want to make all your lovely characters struggle and that, I think is what makes your show brilliant because I can relate to Robin's career struggle and dreams, to Ted's quest for true love, and I dream for a love like Lilly and Marshall's. My heart broke when amidst all his insecurities about his fertility, Marshall lost his Dad who meant so much to him. But Mr.Bays, don't you think this season has had enough doom and gloom, I would not dare ask to meet the Mother just yet but how about putting a bun in Lilly's oven! Let's some light shine on these characters, I love so much!

Anyways, I hope you all want to still be friends with me once you have read this hehe. I am TV geek to the bone! Love me or I don't get a life and don't read this blog... geez. I am off to the gym to sweat while; you guessed it, watching TV! Yay!