Eddie Vedder - Longing To Belong

Forget the Spanish subtitles and close your eyes and listen! I can't stop listening to this song!

The power of pink laces....

Today I am longing to see the sun and the last of winter. I was getting so excited about seeing the grass, watching the snow melt and the ice slowly disappear. But the hopes of spring are dashed pretty much every year here in Calgary when we get that big old dump of snow right smack in the middle of St.Patrick’s Day and the first day of spring. This year was no different and my lovely but always cautious morning walk to the C-Train station was turned into a snowy walk in ankle-bending hell. Needless to say I needed to be rescued by my brother, driven around by my Dad and limping around. Ugh.

The twinge in my ankle is an all too familiar feeling. I have broken bones twice and sadly both while very drunk. Not exactly my proudest moments. The first time I was washing away my sorrows about a boy of course and ended up assaulting a candy machine with my doomed foot. That got me 6 weeks in a cast during college. The second time I was having the time of my life at a work Christmas Party with my best friend as my date. The drinks were flowing and I was “working” the dance floor. Then, Russia’s Favourite Love Machine, my amazing Russian dance skills and my best friend’s shoes tragically combined to destroy my ankle. It was broken with torn tendons, in a cast for 9 weeks. It was within those 9 weeks that I went to Vegas to meet the guy I was so crazy about with my best friend. It turned out to be the beginning of their love story and my nightmare. And it is probably not very healed of me to be thinking about that time every time my ankle twinges. The thing is when I think about that time now. I don’t think about them. I think about me in those worst moments of my life. I look at how I reacted by lashing out and literally falling apart and I feel pain for that girl. Hobbling around in a haze of misery, hell even after that cast came off, I hobbled around in a haze. I gave up trying and hoping. For far too long, I was anything but alive.

Every so often someone would try to get me out amongst the living and once in awhile I would go. One of those times was when my friend Jenny asked me to do the MS Walk in support of her. Jenny is a friend from college, who has MS and has this positive spirit that lights up any room she graces. Jenny was an inspiration to me. So even though, I was at my heaviest and so focused on just getting through the days, I decided I want to get off my ass and join the land of the living for awhile. But first, I needed shoes. I have always been a fan of Nikes so they were like my first and only choice. I bought my Nikes and started doing practice walks during lunches and on the weekends with my cheerleader/coach Meghan. So, I collected pledges and did the walk and felt good about it but somehow that old haze found me again. And those Nikes collected dust minus a few walks here and there in the mountains, until I put some pink laces on them and decided to make a comeback. I swear to you the minute those pink laces got on those shoes I had me flying. I have so much energy on the elliptical trainer; I was brave-ish enough to cross the Golden Gate Bridge and travel around Europe alone. It is probably fairly crazy think, but I sort of believe those pink laces gave me super powers. Hehe.

So, when the twinge reminds me of my horrible time in Vegas, I remember who I was in those moments but then I remind myself of who I am today and where I am going. The haze I used to hobble around is long gone along with that zombie girl I used to be. So, for however long I feel this damn twinge, I am going to remember these last 8 months and be proud of my perseverance and strength. Now, I am hobbling around with purpose (hopefully towards some sunshine).

Hand me a can opener....

I am in the beginning of a book that is already making me really uncomfortable with its truth about my situation. It is another recommendation from the one and only Oprah called Women Food and God. I had heard about this book awhile ago but just the title freaked me out. Women Food and God says to me, “Let’s Open An Emotional Can of Worms”, and I am SO not one for actually confronting issues. I hate confrontation but you can always find me hiding away in avoidance, it is comfortable there. Actually, honestly it is only comfortable there until my health is actually suffering and I am not fitting into anything anymore. Anyways, to anyone with common sense it is a terrible way to live, so I am trying to change my ways. I am eating a grapefruit in the morning, healthy lunches and I go to the gym and I feel powerful and then when I am left alone with myself after dinner, I would rather turn to food than to be left alone with my thoughts. Ugh.

So, I guess I should make mention of what got me to pick up that dang book, finally. This past week, I have worked really hard at the gym. I did my first two hour session at the gym on Sunday and felt the pain but kept going back to the gym throughout the week. I took all my frustrations dealing with negative people during the day and put that energy into running at the gym. I can’t explain the drive I feel when I am on the elliptical trainer listening some awesome beats. I feel like at that very moment I am gasping for breath, every cell in my body is committed to this new life I want and it feels so friggin’ empowering! I wish I could bottle that feeling and carry it with me through the day. Because it only takes hours for that feeling to go away and by the end of the day I am left alone. Alone, to regret my past, worry about my future, and be overwhelmed by the thought of all I have to do to get where I want to go. It all washes over me and I feel like I am drowning. So, my instinct has always been to comfort myself with food but the reality is I lose myself in food. It is just another way for me to avoid dealing with other feelings. So, unbelievably after working out so hard all week, every time I was confronted with temptations after 8pm, I caved! And then I went to bed berating myself, promising to start over tomorrow and wake up to the same cycle. And that my friends, is the ugly truth, to why I fail every diet and why my weight loss is currently stalled.

But this time unlike any time before I don’t feel like just giving into the overwhelming hopelessness I feel when I think about my weight. I feel like conquering it and being free of being overweight, once and for all. And that means I have got to come out of hiding and deal! Just deal with everything. And I know it is scary but I feel ready to be a fearless when it comes to moving forward in my life. So, I will read the book and open up that terrifying Emotional Can Of Worms and see who I am on the other side of it all. Here’s hoping I come out stronger, working in TV, 130 pounds and a size 10!

Painting a picture

Oprah has dream boards on www.Oprah.com and on January 1^st I made up a new one for 2011. When a woman as successful and inspiring as Oprah speaks, as a person who is committed to changing her life, I listen! The advice that I see all over her magazine and website is about living your best life and it all starts with visualizing it. So, back in July when I started my whole self transformation kick, I had the picture painted. I am so committed and passionate about what I want my version of that best life to be. I know that I want to travel more and visit everywhere from New York City to Bali. I know I want to have a chance to really put all my ambition and passion in building a career in television in Toronto by the end of this year. I know I want to be financially confident and stable on my own. I know I want to be a foxy size 10 and totally confident in my body. I know I want to be loved for everything that I am by someone who excites, encourages, and motivates me and who I can love with a whole and healed heart. I see this future and I even know who I want to be in it. I want to be generous and open with the people in my life but I want to be wise enough to know when the wrong people are in my life and how to handle them, if they are forced to stick around. I know I want to be confident enough in my comedic writing to be able to share it and let it thrive. I want healthy choices to be a natural habit for me. I want to be vibrant, smart, funny, and happy. This is the life I am putting every ounce of my effort towards. This is the dream that would make every challenging step worth it for me in the end.

We are what we think about all day long.

All those people who say things say that laughter is the best medicine. And I for one agree with the masses. Laughter has sort of been my saving grace in the midst of some really dark recent and past dark days. Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t have the amazing comedy of my favourite sitcoms (The Office, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother and Community), Saturday Night Live, Will Ferrell movies and www.Funnyordie.com , if the darkness would have just swallowed me up. Sometimes when it is hard not to focus on the negative and the positive is nowhere to be found, it just seems easier to appreciate the absurdities of everyday existence. I come from a large and fairly ridiculous family who are a constant gold mine of comedic material. And from retail to radio to government there has always been material to collect in the ludicrousness of earning a living. I find it lightens my load when I let annoying people become an amusing protagonist in my sitcom or sketch idea, rather than letting them settle in as a real life pain in my ass. It is my messed up version of the secret but it really has changed my perspective, I guess. I am visualizing my life like as a sitcom and I am the lead actress, writer and producer and Charlie Sheen is banned from this set. I have always sort of been the kind of girl who takes things too seriously and personally. And now, I am really enjoying laughing things off. I love the view from looking at things this way. “We are what we think about all day long.” – Ralph Emerson Waldo.

Toby Mac - Get Back Up

I am a big fan of words! They hold so much power for good and evil. To tear you down and build you up. To spread hate and love. After some rejection in my past I grew scared to share my words publicly. But when I began this blog and started sharing my words again, I started to get back words of encouragement from strangers, old friends and others. These words have become sacred to me. They are the words that ring through my head when I am gasping for breath on the elliptical or struggling to get to the next step in my life plan. These are the words that save me from giving up.
Today, a dear old friend of mine said the lyrics of this song made him think of my journey. So, thank you to him and to all of you who read this blog and offer me words of encouragement. It has meant so very much to me as I craft out this new amazing life for myself. Thank you.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

This song is intense! The lyrics are powerful and beautiful and as always Adele's voice is a force to be reckoned with. Truly amazing! Can't stop listening to it!

Fighting the Good Fight

I have to admit that I am not always a silver lining, positive kind of person, especially in my recent history. But last July I decided to start working towards a better future and it is sort of hard to have hope for the future when you are walking around with a negative outlook. So, I made a conscious decision to change my outlook on life and have hope again. I could literally feel some of the doom and gloom lift away from me when I was in traveling in California and Europe. I really and truly appreciated every part of that experience. And when I got back home for the first time since I came home from Saskatoon, I was excited to see the mountains and be back in Calgary. The gym helped me keep positive while the job search went on and even kept me positive enough to plan out how I was going go to Toronto to pursue my TV dream. And then, I found this amazing job opportunity in Calgary that would get me there in 6 months. I was so excited and happy! And I decided I wanted to clean up some things in my past and resolve some old mistakes with my old friends before I went anywhere and I sent some of them apologies. And I got back one very predictable, nasty message from someone so predictable in her negativity, that she could never imagine someone could actually wanted to work at being better version of herself. Anyways, at first that negative response fueled me forward but some of her words struck and for letting it have that power, I am disappointed in myself. She pointed things about me that I will truly admit used to be very true but I honestly believe that a lot of that has changed. I also know that I am human and that I am going to mess up. And I can't control what other people think they know about me. However, I can control my reaction to other people's negative energy and this week I have done a pretty shitty job of doing that. I have been feeling restless here in Calgary and even in this amazing job, that I should truly only being seeing as an opportunity. I have been snapping at everyone in this house because I am feeling trapped here and worried that I will never leave Calgary. And then this morning I realize that I am freaking out because I am worried that the worst everyone thinks of me might be true. Here's the worst, I think everyone thinks of me: "That I am fat, lazy, often over-dramatic, sometimes shut off to the world, all talk, no action, bitch who is not going anywhere in this life." ... Well some of that maybe even the worst I think of myself.

The thing is I am acknowledging that some of that stuff could have been true in my past and some of it even lingers in me today but I am trying really hard to be better than that. And that doesn't leave much time for self-doubt or opinions from people who have no idea who I am and who I am trying to be.

Every time I am at the gym I feel this strong sense of FIGHT in me. I am fighting against the shitty parts of myself and the people who think they know me and doubt me. I am fighting for this life I want where I am the best, most healthy version of myself doing something I am passionate about and surrounded by people I can have fun with and trust. I am not letting anyone stand in my way of that anymore, including myself.