Today I went to the gym after a long hiatus. Unfortunately, besides half an hour of cardio, I went there to see if I could suspend my membership a month or two until I got employment figured out. Turns out the only thing I could do was cancel it and then when I rejoin I have spend the initial $75 fee again. I was sort bummed because I only have two guest passes left and I was sort of on a roll with the gym before I left. And now I am not sure when I’ll be able to afford to back.
Since, I have been back from Europe I have found myself falling into old patterns when it comes to eating, not exercising and being negative. I have been feeling that angst that has been following me since my teens that I thought I was starting to get over.
I was beginning to believe I could be this successful, healthy woman who I was thought I could never be before. When I chose to lose weight in July, for the first time EVER for some reason it didn't seem impossible to be that person I thought it was too late to be. But since I have been back home and realizing how much I have to do to get there, it is bring some of that old hopeless and helplessness back.
So, I stepped on that elliptical trainer not in the best state of mind today, after taking another blow to my efforts towards to a new me. And I began to just move and sweat and cheer myself on. And I even managed to talk myself out of giving up on me and letting old habits drag me back to settling for being fat and goalless. Running on that elliptical trainer made me feel like I had some kind of power in where I was going in my life and who I am becoming.
So as I gasped for breath, listening to the theme song of my new life "Dog Days Are Over", I made a short term plan for my weight loss and cheered myself not to give up on myself when it comes to The Plan.
My financial ruin started about ten years ago, when in another attempt to lose weight I put a rather cheap (yet expensive for me) elliptical trainer onto my brand new shiny credit card. Well because it wobbled a little, once again I gave up on thinking I could ever lose my weight. It has been sitting in the garage for about 9 years now. I am not even sure if that thing works but finding a way to make it work and be able to lose weight while spending time with my lover TV, would mean that I have kind of, sort of redeemed myself... if that makes any sense to you?
Anyways, the point of this whole bloody post is that inspiration I have been looking for the last couple of weeks found me on that sweaty elliptical trainer. In the midst of all the worry over money and employment, I forgot to just keep moving. And if I do, I will get a job, I will save money and get back to the gym and eventually Toronto and I will lose this weight!
Please cross your fingers and toes for me that rusty elliptical trainer in the garage works after all this time. But if it doesn't ... I am not giving up, I will look up exercise videos on YouTube, I will run up and down the stairs, or hell I might even start running on the damn snow and ice out there (seriously last resort). I am not; I will NOT... give up this time. Screw off angst, I have got to keep on moving!
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