hindsight

In this blog I often allude to a “heartbreak" or a "terrible trip to Vegas" but I don't often delve into this topic, as it sort of a touchy one for me.

The short story is that in college I fell blindly in love with yet another wrong guy. In my naive mind I convinced myself that he was the one and I would have literally done anything for him; including taking my wing man "best friend" of nearly 10 years with me to meet up with him in Sin City. The thing about that particular best friend was that she needed go at about the 5 year mark in our friendship. She was manipulative, bossy and self-obsessed and on the hunt for husband from the time I met her in high school.

I was so excited about seeing this guy I apparently loved so much but I was so obviously on the road to disaster. Oh, did I mention I was still in cast from breaking my ankle a month before?

So, we get to Vegas and the guy I "loved" hooks up with my "best friend" of 10 years and I am left hobbling around Vegas sobbing in front of the Bellagio Friggin' Fountains. They went on to live happily ever after and took along some of my old "friends" for the ride and I was pretty much left broken.

I pushed people away, I destroyed my body, and my mind blamed the whole thing on me. Hate seeped from every part of my body and all I did to make it all go away with try to escape; in TV, at work, in books, in anything that would take me away from my life, my past, my pain.

Then more than 2 years after Vegas the lovely couple returned to the place where their fairytale began, along with some of my old "friends" and made it official and got hitched. Something about knowing that they were married sort of freed me. It somehow gave an ending to that chapter in my life.

I can't say they are nothing to me. They are a significant piece of my past and have shaped me to become a lot more cautious when it comes to where my trust lies. But for a long time they were the reason I hated Vegas. They were the reason all my happy college (and even a few high school) memories were tainted.

Then last night I got together with some college friends and "they" weren't even factor. "They" couldn't have any part of the fun I was having catching up with my old college friends and I sort of had an epiphany.

The dark clouds, the misery, and basically all the blah it was never them who had control of it. Sure they were the initial cause of it but I am the controller of the reaction. I reacted the wrong way for a long time. But now I vow to be stronger. I vow to leave that hate behind me. I vow that all the hurt and pain will never again make me take for granted all the other amazing people I was blessed to meet in college. I had all these cups full of friendship and happiness and I was focusing on the sour cup of milk that spilt over. But now I am ready to get a mop and clean that $h!t up and move on with my life.

Vegas needed to happen and it has taken me awhile but I can see that now.

ps - no more blogs from me until October 10th peeps!