Five Year Plan

I miss school. I miss knowing what I was working for everyday; a good grade, a scholarship, a diploma, or a degree. And now out in the real world outside of school, it seems most people work just for financially survival.

When I got out of school, I settled for radio. It was not my passion, it was not the reason I went passionately into broadcasting. It was just the only job I could get in broadcasting 6 months after school. And I just thought about the fact that I was going to have to start paying off my student loans. So I turned my back on TV and paid the bills with radio.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret my time in radio. I met great people who taught so much about writing, careers, and friendship. I had good times with them but when it came to the work, there was just no passion. I looked at the people I worked with and I knew that they loved working in radio and I thought being around them would help me love it too. But it was never my passion, never the goal I was working towards. And now, well I am laid off.

Sure, I might not have that many, if any, diplomas or degrees in my future. But maybe it is time I make some goals of my own without some educational institution dictating what I wake up for every morning. It has been a long time since I have cared about what I really wanted over, what I really have to do.

So, what do I want my life to look like in, let's say, five years? In the next five years; I want to be Andrea Marston television writer, size 6 to 10, in love, well-traveled, lively, passionate, and happy. Those are my goals. That's what I am going to wake up for tomorrow and every day after that for.

Following My Bliss

There are so many things that could go wrong with my adventures as a vagabond traveling the world. The news is reporting high levels of terrorist activity all over Europe. I am being warned about pick pockets and all the things that could go wrong when a woman dares to travel Europe all alone.

I am might be jinxing myself or being completely naive, to honestly believe that this is my time for adventure, happiness and peace; but I do. I believe that I have put in my work coming back from heartache and depression and I believe that right now I was given this chance to be free to wander and live, for a reason.

And if I let the realist in my brain trump up, she would say, "Hey Sunshine, things could go wrong." And I realize and worry that things could indeed go wrong. But if the worst happens this time, I am not going to be hobbling around in cast sobbing. After I think about the heartache of Vegas and my depression there is huge part of me that wants to erase it all from my memory. But I know that, that part of my life gave me a wisdom and strength that I didn't have before. So if the worst happens, I will deal with because I am equipped to do that now.

And the truth is I am not alone. I have my family in England and Ireland and I know that I can rely on them just as much as I can rely on myself. Plus, I have my sitcom writer in the sky writing the plot and I don't think he's ready for an Andrea cancellation just yet.

About a year and half ago, a friend at work gave me a yoga quote card that said, "Follow Your Bliss!". Reading that quote, during that time when I was so stuck in depression, it made me think about all the things I wanted in this world and what exactly my bliss was. My bliss is television, comedy, my family, history, making the world a better place and seeing the world I have read and watched so much about. Back when I saw that quote, I really thought following my bliss was hopeless and that I was just stuck. Fear can't get in my way anymore because I have finally been given my chance to go and actually follow my bliss. I have never been so grateful for anything in my life. Terrorists and pick pockets can forget about getting in the way of my bliss and my path, it is stronger than their hate.

Ready for you to know me, WORLD!

I am feeling really teen angsty lately. I feel like there is not one person in this world who gets me and likes me, for me. Ugh... how after school special of me! But there is not a person who knows every little thing about me and I have made sure of that. I think my family knows the most about who I really am but even with them I don't think they really listen to the things I say and understand who I am. I have not let a lot people really get close to me, ever. I have always had a wall up and that made me the shoulder to cry on for my girlfriends and the like a sister/best friend to the guys I fell for. I would do anything for them, I would make our friendships about them and I just avoided the topic of me. And then after Vegas, that just all fell to pieces and I just gave up being that person. I retired my shoulders from being cried on and I threw away my like a sister/ best friend badge in the trash and my friendships too. Most of them needed to go but there were a few that I do wish I had attempted to maintain. But that’s the past and not much can be done about that.

So here I am in the present looking out into my future and I think after a lot of heartache and healing I finally realize what I want. I want someone to know me. I want them to know every filthy, quirky, strange secret about who Andrea Marston is and accept and love me because of all of that. And for once in my life I honestly feel ready to meet someone half way. Trust is a big issue for me but it may be an issue I have to confront to get what I want. I was broken because I trusted people and that has put me in this cage hidden away from humanity. And damn it, I want out! I want to feel good about hanging around people again and know that I can trust them. And I know right now, I have a good core group close to me, who I can trust but when I think about trusting new people it does scares me; my track record sort of sucks.

Being broken and coming back from that has changed me. I think I have a sense of self, I have never had before. I think I have wisdom, that only a broken heart can give you. And that means, the first issue of trust I can deal with, is trusting myself. I feel now, more than ever, I can take care of myself. So, even if someone does break my trust in the future, I know that I am at least 56% stronger, than I was the last time it happened.

So, I think I am ready to go out amongst humanity again and mingle, even in Europe! I think I am ready to wander the world and take care of myself; and I think I am ready to be open to trusting people and having fun with them again! I am going to embrace my very scary adventure across the ocean alone. I think it is going to be something that not only am I going to remember for the rest of my life, but I think it is something that is going to change my life. And I am ready for that... well at least I think am :).

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

I am feeling rather uninspired lately and I have no clue why? I am going to Europe in less than two weeks! This is something I have wanted to do for years and I am finally getting a chance to do it. So, I am not sure why I am more dreading it more than I am excited for it.

I am still going to the gym pretty consistently, because that is pretty much all I have to do with my days, but I will admit I have struggled with my ridiculous appetite as of late. I am constantly hungry and for pretty much all things that are bad for me. I have cheated in the last week and I am really disappointed in myself but at the same time I can't seem to stop myself.

If I am honest with myself, I know exactly what I am doing. I am self medicating myself with food to stop myself from freaking out. And I feel myself freak out several times a day for the last week. When the bill for Charlie's surgery was in front of me and then coming home and I assessing my savings, it totally freaked me out! It was the first kick in the gut that made me realize maybe this unemployment thing was not as great as I was making it out to be. And then when I got my tour papers and I saw the shared accommodations paper work. I again, freaked out. I have not been the most social person in the last couple of years and I am wondering what the hell am I doing throwing myself into a tour full of strangers?

So, I ran to the fridge and I ate all the panic away and then I would be pissed off at myself and walk around the house all doom and gloom. I loathe this version of myself. She is weak and she is negative and she is not a person I would want to be around. I so don't want to take her on my European Tour with me.

I am a bit pre-disposed to not have any follow through, especially the last couple of years. I say I will be at some party and then I panic about trusting people again and I don't show up. I have been saying I am going to grow my hair out for years and I always end up chopping it off. I said I was going to work in television and I settled for radio. And I have said over and over again that I am going to lose weight. And over and over again, I failed and I gained back any weight I had lost and packed on more.

I stumbled last week and I made some mistakes but I haven't completely lost the plot here. I can make this better. I can get back on the wagon and try with all my heart to stay back on. I have to remind myself that this time I am not losing weight for any guy or to make my parents happy; this time it is for me. I am struggling but I am trying the hardest I have ever tried because I really feel like I have the power inside me to change my life here.

I just have to tell myself and believe this; everything is going to be alright.

Sending Good Wishes to Charlie

In 2002, I was with my Uncle Hamish and Mom doing a quick browse through Petland to get some fish for Uncle Hamish's tank. We passed the kittens and the puppies and I know this sounds weird, but I locked eyes with one cute bitch and I was hooked.
I had never been much of a dog person but there were something about Charlie's golden, brown kind puppy eyes that had love bubbling up in me at first sight. We asked to hold her and the minute I cuddled into her soft curly white hair with beige patches and pet those soft ears, I had to have her. So my Uncle got her for me! Up until this point I had only had cats who pretty much took care of themselves. Charlie was a lot of running around and hard work. She was never the brightest crayon in the box, when it came to her training but she was and still is the most affectionate dog I have ever met.
When I moved to Saskatoon for work, I was so sad to have to leave my Charlie with my parents. Whenever I called home she was the first thing I would ask about, "How is Charlie?" or "What's Charlie doing?". While I was gone, she became my Mom's constant companion. I think a big part of the reason I moved back so close to home when I came back to Calgary, was to be close to Charlie.
And when shit hit the fan in my social and "love" life. The only living thing that had a chance of cheering me up was my Poopy Bear. She has been my only light in some pretty dark days.
Well, Charlie goes in surgery tomorrow morning and I just hope it all goes smoothly because she really means SO much to me. I am sending her every prayer, good thought, piece of love and anything else I have to give to protect my Charlie.
The surgery is pretty expensive so, my very creative mother has made some cute charm bracelets for pet lovers and some really stylish basic styles too. All proceeds will go to helping pay off the surgery.

Rockin' Me

When you put yourself out there, like I am with this blog, you are going to have a lot of helpful suggestions come your way. People with good intentions are throwing things my way that I should change about myself, that I really had no problem with in the first place. Example people say I should get rid of my signature Andrea Marston bangs. They say it gets in my eyes and I have been rocking this look since I was 3 years old. Okay, I see those points but Andrea bangs are so my thing. I think they bring out my eyes, hide some of my face chubbiness and look quite cute with my glasses. So no, the bangs are not going but the big ass, judgemental-ness and rigidness are.I am making changes that I think I need, to be in a better place in MY life.
After years of being the shoulder to cry on, the best friend like a little sister emotional slave to too many unworthy guys, and little miss perfect to my family, teachers and society; I am ready to just rock me. I am ready to answer to no one but me when it comes to what I do with my life. I know who I am and I am ready to take big steps, that I never have felt ready to take before. I am ready to travel the world and meet new people. I am ready to move to Toronto and go after my dream career. And I am ready to fall head over heels in love with someone who is totally worthy of the awesomeness that is Andrea Marston.
I am not the scared broken person I was 3 years ago. I have risen above all the shit that happened to me and I came out of hiding. And now, I am fighting for every day I am getting the chance to live. A couple of people left me broken and battered and alone and I hid away for a long time and licked my wounds. But now, I am back, stronger and I am ready for anything. So here I am taking leaps of faith again and it makes me feel... alive.

Going With The Flow

So I got another blessing today, when I went to Elizabeth Street Pet Hospital in Okotoks, for Charlie's second opinion vet appointment. The result is sadly the same, my poor little Charlie has to go for surgery. She goes in on Tuesday. The good news is that they offered a payment plan and the surgery is about $700 cheaper than the Fish Creek Pet Hospital *cough* (DON'T GO THERE)*cough*. So, the heat is off my savings just a little bit (I still have to pay half) and I can figure out a way to pay it off when I am back from Europe.
I got to stop being such a control freak and realize that sometimes I just have to let go a little bit and find some faith that everything is going to be okay. I am still worried about my poor little Charlie going into surgery and me winding up lost and broke in Europe. Once again, I asked for help and I got it and I have to be grateful for that. I have someone watching out for me so, I have to charge ahead and leave all that worry behind.

Go with the flow... the motto of my new life.

Whirlwinds

I was in experiencing a rainy Winnipeg fall day 3 weeks ago, I was in a Californian heatwave a little more than a week ago and now I am back in Calgary and there is snow on the ground and in 19 days I will be getting on a plane and going to Europe? For real, this is my life as of late. It is a whirlwind and I am SO not used to whirlwinds.
I am used to a slow and steady pace and sticking to some sort of a plan. Lately, I keep attempting to make plans and then something happens and I am trying to adapt one as soon as possible and I am feeling overwhelmed.
I guess this is just being an adult and being adaptable but I am scared that I am a terrible adult. I am scared that I am going to get lost in Europe by myself and not know what to do! I am scared that I am not going to have enough money to get my dog's surgery. I am scared I am not going to have enough money to survive a 5 week vacation in Europe. I am scared my roommate on the tour will hate me. I am panicking, something I do all too often, and panicking always makes me freeze up. The thing is right now, I don't have time to freeze up and not make decisions. Because my dog is in pain right now and my trip is booked and I am just going to have to suck up and deal with this... scared or not ... this is happening.
People say God never gives us anything we can't handle. Somewhere deep in me there is a strong, capable, calm person who can handle this whirlwind I am caught up in and make a good life after it all settles down. There is a person in me, who I am sure might even know how to enjoy this ride; I am in desperate search for that girl today.

Silencing My Inner Skeptic

I am a skeptic, I am a doubter and for some unthinkable reason I have the biggest friggin' dreams in the world for my life. I want to see the world, I want to write for Saturday Night Live, I want write for an Emmy award winning television show, I want to live on a floating home like the one in Sleepless In Seattle and want to find and marry my best friend like in When Harry Met Sally. I want to have it freaking all! But how? How can an overweight, unemployed 28 year old spinster living at home with her parents bare to think that any of that is possible for herself?
In the past 3 years I had trained myself to always expect the worst... in people, situations and life. I was never let down and I was never that positive; I just lived my life on the safe and easy even-keel of life. I walked away from my dreaming all those dreams. Until that day when I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.
So, now I am taking care of myself again and I am finding something I have been hiding from for so long; hope. And hope leads to dusting off those old dreams that are still there shining in front of me, daring me to try again. And now I so badly want to expect the best in everything, in all of it. But I am fighting off that old skeptic in my head and when there are bumps in my road, that is when she screams at me the loudest to come back to the even-keel. I need to remember that was not living I was doing on the even-keel, that was me hiding. I was hiding who I am because what I dreamt for my life, that is who I am.
Obstacles will be thrown my way but I have to keep charging a head and be true to myself. Silencing my inner skeptic is going to be a struggle but I have to do it. I am fighting for the life I want here and that is important, that matters.

Andrea 2.0 needs to get her head out of the clouds...

Ugh I am so naive. I am just in this happy la la land thinking everything will just work out. Now I am not so sure anything can just "work out".
*Breathe* I really am attempting to go with the flow but I also MUST remember that maybe I should keep some of that practicality I was sort of shunning in a previous post. I have to keep my head in the game and my feet on the ground.
A sad bump in my tight laid off budget has occurred. My dog Charlie, who was really the only living thing that could make me genuinely smile for a couple of years, needs surgery. Which costs $1000 to $1500 and that amount adds that last punch to my savings that really just screws me over. She is my dog and my responsibility and I will take care of her because I love her a lot and she is the closest thing to a kid I have. Charlie is family and I will make it work. I just need a little bit of a financial miracle at the moment! I hope God reads my blog.
*Breathe*....

Move over Miss Goody-Two-Shoes - There is a new sheriff in town!

An older version of me thrived on a schedule and in a routine. She obsessed about being on time and she was sometimes just a downright bore. She is way too practical and sometimes sort of rigid. So, when she was thrown out of routine all her world watched to see how she would react. Surely, Miss Practicality would start budgeting her savings and looking for a new job pronto.

No matter what happens in life I will down to my core be a little miss goody-two-shoes. I can't stand breaking the rules. Jaywalking is something I try never to do. I walk on the right side of the tracks and when I am not; I am rather discrete about it. I am the girl who made flashcards and study guides for the whole class from elementary to college.

Sure, there were days when I knew how to party. There were days that I had so much fun my sides would hurt from laughing. There were days you could not wipe the smile off my face. I hadn't felt that sense of fun in such a long time. I had been letting miss goody-two-shoes take over. I was always afraid to take longer than a week off at a time for the past 4 years and before that I didn't have money to travel.

When I got laid off, I took it as a sign to give myself a break. A lot has happened to me in the last 3 years. Ankles, trust and my heart were all broken and then I healed. I have committed myself to getting healthy. I have worked SO hard and became a 9 to 5 zombie. I was living on survive for the last 3 years and I soooo longed for FUN!

So, I gave myself permission to go out and enjoy life for a while. Go be a crazy wandering gypsy and see what it is like to have fun again.

I got my tour tickets and itinerary for Europe in the mail yesterday. It is really happening! There is a part of me nagging to be more practical and look for a job; but I am just enjoying being free a little too much at the moment.

As miss goody-two-shoes looks on, Andrea 2.0 takes the controls and presses on the gas. Here I go! 3 weeeeeeeeeeeeks!