Stress, hate, and resentment are poisons in our lives. For me the poison affected me with depression and weight gain. Don't get me wrong I have always had trouble with my weight. I can't remember a day when I wasn't the fat girl in the room. But after Vegas, was the first time in my life where I didn't try to be healthy. I have been trying to maintain a healthy diet for as long as I can remember. But when I came back to my life after Vegas I just didn't give a shit about my health anymore. I ate whatever I could, whenever I wanted to. I hid in my cave of an apartment, watched TV and ate. My weight and I had battled it out for years and I was tired and defeated and I gave up the battle. So over the last 3 years, I had gained even more weight.
After the tears and the heartache of Vegas had subsided my whole being was consumed with poisonous hate. How can there be any good human beings left in this world after my best friend of 10 years could do what she did to me? I trusted no one and I liked no one. I got rid of many friends. Some deserved to go but other who may have not deserved it, went away because I didn't know who I could trust. I isolated myself even from the small group of people who to this day are the rocks in my life. Every pore in body was consumed with hate and resentment.
Stress came in next to poison my life. After Vegas, getting lost in the mundane duties of my mind numbing job took over my life. A job I had initially taken to try to evolve into something more creative. I let myself settle for the paper-pushing, pay cuts, and constant pile up of more bottom-of-the-barrel tasks. I would have a smile painted across my face and just be numb inside as the work piled up; until every once a while someone would add that last piece of paper to my ever growing pile and make it all topple. And then there were tears, ulcers and the occasional panic attack.
On July 12th, (I know the date because I have the biggest journal entry on that day) I looked in the mirror and I had no idea who was looking back at me. This bloated, bitter, fake smile and empty eyed tired girl, was me! Growing up the fat girl I had never paid too much attention to my appearance because I spent all my time focusing on my character. Who I am is ambitious, compassionate, funny, genuine, and ALIVE. This girl in front of me had no life in her anymore and I wanted with all my heart to save her.
So I went to work on myself. I used all the clerical, list making methods I had learned at my desk job to help makeover my life. I have been on diets since I was five (all not so successful). So I took all the things I had learned from my dieting history and some new research and found a diet that would best suit me. I joined the gym and I decided to start off with at least half an hour of cardio a day and 1 hour of swimming a week. I was going to make a budget to get me out of debt and save money to travel. I was putting all this work into saving myself for no one else but myself. It felt good to be my own hero.
And then I got laid off! WTF? I should be freaking out, I should be planning to get a new job ASAP, I should be FREAKING OUT! But I am not. See even though I am not a religious person, for the last couple of months I had been hashing things out with the big guy in the sky. We have had some good chats, he listens to me beat myself up about letting everything get so bad and he listens to all things I wish for but the thing I ask for almost every day is for direction. Please show me what to do next. Please help me go on the right path. So when I was pulled into a room with my boss and some corporate HR suit, how could I think of it as anything but an answer to a prayer? He was showing me my way and he is giving me what I asked for.
The plan had to be revised and quickly to. I decided that I was going to enjoy the ride of this curve ball I had been thrown. I am finally going to travel, something I have not done since before college. And I am still on my weight loss mission but I guess I am taking it on the road. I know I will be faced with temptation and sometimes I will even cheat but my plan is to keep moving. Going to the gym and swim when I am home and while I travel I will walk all over the world! I am going to push myself to trust people again and make friends. I am going to do things I have never done before and see things I have never seen before. This feels like medicine to the poisoned girl I used to be. I feel like I am coming alive again and I am so blessed to have been shown the way.
My trip to San Francisco saw me take steps across the Golden Gate Bridge and towards conquering my crazy fear of heights. It gave me insight to a side of my family, I don’t really know very well. It quenched my love for the ocean. It made me realize how blessed I am to have parents that are supportive and my best friends. It made me realize just how Canadian I am (Andrea – Thank you SO much! American – Uh huh) And it gave me another 25 pounds of weight loss.
Next stop Europe in 22 days! Watch out life here I come!
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