I am feeling really teen angsty lately. I feel like there is not one person in this world who gets me and likes me, for me. Ugh... how after school special of me! But there is not a person who knows every little thing about me and I have made sure of that. I think my family knows the most about who I really am but even with them I don't think they really listen to the things I say and understand who I am. I have not let a lot people really get close to me, ever. I have always had a wall up and that made me the shoulder to cry on for my girlfriends and the like a sister/best friend to the guys I fell for. I would do anything for them, I would make our friendships about them and I just avoided the topic of me. And then after Vegas, that just all fell to pieces and I just gave up being that person. I retired my shoulders from being cried on and I threw away my like a sister/ best friend badge in the trash and my friendships too. Most of them needed to go but there were a few that I do wish I had attempted to maintain. But that’s the past and not much can be done about that.
So here I am in the present looking out into my future and I think after a lot of heartache and healing I finally realize what I want. I want someone to know me. I want them to know every filthy, quirky, strange secret about who Andrea Marston is and accept and love me because of all of that. And for once in my life I honestly feel ready to meet someone half way. Trust is a big issue for me but it may be an issue I have to confront to get what I want. I was broken because I trusted people and that has put me in this cage hidden away from humanity. And damn it, I want out! I want to feel good about hanging around people again and know that I can trust them. And I know right now, I have a good core group close to me, who I can trust but when I think about trusting new people it does scares me; my track record sort of sucks.
Being broken and coming back from that has changed me. I think I have a sense of self, I have never had before. I think I have wisdom, that only a broken heart can give you. And that means, the first issue of trust I can deal with, is trusting myself. I feel now, more than ever, I can take care of myself. So, even if someone does break my trust in the future, I know that I am at least 56% stronger, than I was the last time it happened.
So, I think I am ready to go out amongst humanity again and mingle, even in Europe! I think I am ready to wander the world and take care of myself; and I think I am ready to be open to trusting people and having fun with them again! I am going to embrace my very scary adventure across the ocean alone. I think it is going to be something that not only am I going to remember for the rest of my life, but I think it is something that is going to change my life. And I am ready for that... well at least I think am :).
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