Everything's Gonna Be Alright

I am feeling rather uninspired lately and I have no clue why? I am going to Europe in less than two weeks! This is something I have wanted to do for years and I am finally getting a chance to do it. So, I am not sure why I am more dreading it more than I am excited for it.

I am still going to the gym pretty consistently, because that is pretty much all I have to do with my days, but I will admit I have struggled with my ridiculous appetite as of late. I am constantly hungry and for pretty much all things that are bad for me. I have cheated in the last week and I am really disappointed in myself but at the same time I can't seem to stop myself.

If I am honest with myself, I know exactly what I am doing. I am self medicating myself with food to stop myself from freaking out. And I feel myself freak out several times a day for the last week. When the bill for Charlie's surgery was in front of me and then coming home and I assessing my savings, it totally freaked me out! It was the first kick in the gut that made me realize maybe this unemployment thing was not as great as I was making it out to be. And then when I got my tour papers and I saw the shared accommodations paper work. I again, freaked out. I have not been the most social person in the last couple of years and I am wondering what the hell am I doing throwing myself into a tour full of strangers?

So, I ran to the fridge and I ate all the panic away and then I would be pissed off at myself and walk around the house all doom and gloom. I loathe this version of myself. She is weak and she is negative and she is not a person I would want to be around. I so don't want to take her on my European Tour with me.

I am a bit pre-disposed to not have any follow through, especially the last couple of years. I say I will be at some party and then I panic about trusting people again and I don't show up. I have been saying I am going to grow my hair out for years and I always end up chopping it off. I said I was going to work in television and I settled for radio. And I have said over and over again that I am going to lose weight. And over and over again, I failed and I gained back any weight I had lost and packed on more.

I stumbled last week and I made some mistakes but I haven't completely lost the plot here. I can make this better. I can get back on the wagon and try with all my heart to stay back on. I have to remind myself that this time I am not losing weight for any guy or to make my parents happy; this time it is for me. I am struggling but I am trying the hardest I have ever tried because I really feel like I have the power inside me to change my life here.

I just have to tell myself and believe this; everything is going to be alright.