Laid Off!

It is not even lunch and today has already been a surreal day.
I woke up this morning literally dreading the workload I knew was ahead of me today and for the rest of the week. This is what is known as National Hell Week. It is the week agencies and sales people own you. Yesterday was a miserable day and I didn't even get to talk to the people I worked with (I SO REGRET THIS NOW)... which to be honest is the only part of my job I still enjoyed. Let's face it... it was not the great pay and stimulating work that kept me coming back.
So, today I trudged on in robotically, as I do everyday. I checked my emails, made my list for the day and didn't even have a chance to get my grapefruit out before I was called to HR. I actually thought we were going to chat about a Socialpalooza event ha! But I was told to go upstairs to the 3rd Floor Boardroom *cue dramatic music*.
My boss broke the news that my job would be done out of Edmonton and this robot was no longer needed and I am pretty sure waited for me to cry (which I am ashamed to have done too many times in front of her before). Tears didn't overcome me though relief did. I grinned! I told her I was okay. I was ready to move on and I was meant for more. Not sure how appropriate that was now that I think about it hehe. The only thing that made me cry was the idea of not being able to go back and say goodbye to all my guardian angels who kept my head above water.
To Kathy, Robert, and Patrick, to the talented boys in prod, to the Fabulous ladies in traffic, to the DJs who made me giggle, and to the promo staff that gave me presents and knew how to party... THANK YOU! Thank you for shining your light in my life when I needed it SO bad! It is so much because of you that I feel... better... ready to move on to the cliche... bigger and better things people preach of.
Andrea 2.0 is waaaay more than a paper pushing national account coordinator/junior creative writer (who only got to write crap!).
It is funny during lunch yesterday, I prayed to God that I could win the lottery and not have to go through National Hell Week. Well... I guess I got the next best thing!
I am excited to see what's next for Andrea 2.0.

In My New Life - No Vermin Allowed

I have had issues with Karma the last couple of years. When I look around I see a lot of horrible people getting the best in life. People, whose crimes have really hurt someone else right down to their core, are getting further along. And I am stuck... obsessed with when they will get theirs.
I see that I am wasting my time waiting and watching for the people who did me wrong, to get theirs. I have no control about that. Who knows if they will ever hit a bump in their smooth road, which will karmically justify what they did to me. Maybe that will never happen, but I can’t waste my time spending another minute on them anymore. They long ago proved not worth it. I am done... I am so ready to move on. I don’t know if it is forgiveness ... I do know that it’s just letting go.
And to the few bullies in my life that somehow remained after the purge and the ones that might sneak in my future, I would like them to take note. I am done being some doormat you sick jerks decide you need to wipe your feet on, to feel good about yourself. Take a step out of your selfish little bubbles and consider the people who are forced to be around you. The people who are supposed daily deal with your moods, misplaced sense of authority, your greed, your arrogance and your incredibly huge egos. Give us all a break and grow up and let people like me, who are not looking for a fight or to be feared into submission, to just be let go on our little merry ways. You can stew in your own selfishness without dragging all your poor acquaintances down with you, can’t you? Anyways, I am done with you idiots too. Sure some of you I am bound to for life but I am not letting you have ANY effect on my life. You can throw down evil stares and spit out the nasty tantrums of a three year old... but you are just an OxyClean commercial on during 30 Rock and I am not sure why I have spent this long enduring you, when the whole time I could have switched the channel to House Hunters International. I am so over friggin’ OxyClean. Buh-bye.
I am done letting toxic people be this super glue that keeps me stuck in my life. I am going to wash them off and move on to a better life free of that old vermin.
Here’s to that new vermin free life!

My Boring Year

Today someone asked me what exciting things have happened to mark the last year of my life?
I thought back to a year ago and the year that had passed... and I can honestly say there was no extreme adventure to mark my 27th year by. Which, sure, sounds sort of sad and pathetic in a way to other people but to me it doesn’t sound that bad at all. Especially, when I think of all the drama of my teenage years and 20-26. I am grateful for a year of no broken hearts or ankles and no bossy, needy friends stabbing me in the back. I can say this about my 27th year; it was the year that I reaped the benefits of weeding out some toxic people out of my life. I can say that my 27th year was 100% about me and trying to figure how to become a better version of myself. Sure there was no drama and that really just gave me the time to really sit with myself and ponder the life I want for myself. I can say that I have no regrets about who is in my life this year and what I have done with my time.
Here are my hopes for my 28th year. I hope finally take actions on the plans I made in my 27th year... smoothly... drama-free.
I don’t regret my seemingly boring year, one bit. It makes me all the more ready for what I have to do next.
I leave you with another inspiring article from Miss O...
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-Oprah-Knows-for-Sure-About-Adventure

Cheerleading

My knees are sore, my back is aching and I feel completely relaxed. After a rather crappy day at work I took it all out on the elliptical trainer and not in the fridge! I think I just proved to myself I am really changing and lately that is the most important person I have to convince.
I can promise you no matter what the worst thought ANYONE else has ever thought about me, I have thought worse about myself. I am 100% my own worst critic. Not even the severest boss could make me feel worse about making a mistake at work, than I can make myself feel. Not even a supermodel could judge my body, worse than I judge it myself.
My head is a constant babble of self-criticism... except for the ½ hour a day I am on the elliptical trainer. When I am doing my cardio I get to a point about half way through where I am certain death is close and at this time on the treadmill I become someone I have never ever been in my whole life... a cheerleader! In my head there is no criticism just, “You can do this... you are doing so good... just 15 minutes more... Friggin’ Ra Ra Andrea!”
That’s a stinky, sweaty miracle people . Ha... me a cheerleader... who would’ve of thunk it?
Anyways, Oprah is like a goddess to me! I think she is like the perfect portrait of what a strong, independent and resilient woman looks like and many times in my life her advice has come to good use. Today I read an article she wrote on her website and it kind of made me tear up. This woman who I admire and look up to so much, is fighting the same fight I am. It is strange how that makes me feel stronger. It makes me feel like I have this powerful person on my side. Anyhoo, enough of me being a kook here’s the article by the amazing Miss O.
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprah-What-I-Know-For-Sure_1

All about Funk

Hi everyone and more specifically Meghan! :)

Sorry I have not been on here for the last couple of days. I have been in a blah mood and when I whine about it on a blog it makes me feel terrible for possibly spreading my funk. So I kept it on the down-low and I think I am actually feeling a whole lot less... funky.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of the best advice I ever got off a television show (Joan of Arcadia... lasted only one season...shame)... anyways that advice was... Play Your Own Game.

Brilliant isn’t? Don’t get involved in other people’s problem without addressing yours first. Don’t let other people rock you so much. I have to remind myself that I am the caretaker of myself first and above all.

I don’t know if this if makes sense to anyone other than me but I get lost in other people... whether they are fictional or real. I find it easy wanting myself fixing the problems of people around me rather than to tend to my own mess first.

Dealing with my own stuff... that is new to me. I have been really committed to taking care of myself lately and I think that I got tired of that the last couple days. I wanted the escape of losing myself in someone else’s story. And it wasn’t the right thing to do and it just got me into unnecessary arguments and I was all about being in a funk!

But as I dragged myself out of bed this nasty Monday morning... I woke up restless to get back on the track. I drank a lot of water. I kicked butt at the gym. I have been doing some online researches about healthy eating. And tonight I am going to bed feeling a lot more positive then I went to bed the night before. That’s my life a constant yo-yofest people.

Anyways here is a sample of my online healthy eating research... Yay for almonds and tea!

http://ca.lifestyle.yahoo.com/health-fitness/articles/archive/shine-eatingwell/2332150/1

Bye Bye Love

This is how my loving relationship with men started... with a slap to the face. I was in kindergarten getting carpooled to school with the cute boy with the dimples and spiky hair in my class. And I just went for it. The seed of fairytale romances were already embedded in me like it was in every other little girl. Someone should write a more precautionary tale for kids about the truth about the majority of “Prince Charming”... hardly more like the ogre under the bridge.
I am 28 years and never been in love and yet in 28 years I have been programmed to want this romantic thing that is constantly letting me down. I am supposed to be a part of some fairytale, happy ending BS. Well, the facts of the matter is the closest thing I have come to any fairytale is being the stepping stone in someone else’s happy ending.
When I have a crush on a guy, I become a lunatic... I HATE who I become. I become consumed and weak and usually broken-hearted and for what? The latest schmuck who likes the fat girl there to stroke his ego until a better opportunity comes along? The mistake some drunk friend makes one night? Is that worth sacrificing pieces of myself for? And all these men who I wasted so much time with are always in retrospect so wrong for me.
So far in my life, men have proved to be nothing but a liability and as bad for me as a plate full of complex carbs covered in sodium drenched in fried lard. So now when I am trying to be someone more balanced and grown up it doesn't make sense to carry on wishing for love to be mine. I am sick of hitting my head against that unforgiving wall. I am okay letting that dream go to conquer other ones.
Sure... I maybe turning 28 without ever been in love. But I have never seen the Eiffel Tower either, I have never learned to surf, I've never learned Italian ... and those are dreams that are going to take me somewhere.
I am okay letting go of my silly hopeless wish for love.

Socializing?

Now that I have wrapped my mind around grapefruit and the gym, I have got keep forging ahead in getting my brain straight.
To be completely frank with you, readers, I have been quite a nutcase the last couple of years. I have isolated myself and grown pretty cynical about... humanity. That sounds pretty dramatic but it was the only way I knew how to protect myself and make sure I would not let myself be anyone’s stepping stone or victim EVER again.
I used to be a very different person. I used to be social and sometimes even the life of the party. I used to be close to people. And then life decided to show me how stupid that was and kicked the $h!t out of me. I was hurt worse than I ever thought I could be and I hit all kinds of rock bottoms. But I fought threw it and I got to the other side. More confident in, who Andrea Marston is, than ever before!
And now that I am trying to patch myself up and I want to make sure this version of myself is stronger and wiser. I want to let people in again but I want them to see how much I respect and take care of myself first and for them to know I expect no less of their treatment of me. I was not doing that before and now I am ... so maybe I am ready... for friends and socializing again. We’ll see... I’m pretty scared still but if I conquer my weight issues... I can conquer my people issues... right? Sure...

That old Drama Class High

I love So You Think You Can Dance. I wish I had those bodies and those moves. When I have a few drinks in me, I am usually one of the first people to hit the dance floor and one of the last to leave. I usually have enough reckless abandonment to not care what I look like and just give’r. Actually, I was like that even when I was kid... before booze could help me out. I always got really into singing, dancing, acting and all that stuff when I was younger. I didn’t care what I looked like and if people laughed or smiled or applauded at what I did it just fueled me on. My increasing size through junior high and high school never took away from my confidence on stage, especially when it came to acting. It was only after the nice cushy world of high school drama slipped away that my confidence took a beating and my reckless abandonment faded away... unless egged on by booze.
When I decided to lose all the weight I need to get to my goal weight, I wished to bring back some of that old reckless abandonment and just go for it. And I think I have gotten some of it back. I don’t care what I look like at the gym, even though I leave there every day looking like a worn out, wet dog. Maybe, that’s why I am starting to like the gym a bit more. Because I can just go for it and have sweat flying everywhere and somewhere in me I feel that rush of the stage. The rush of drunkenly wiggling my large arse around a dance floor. It is this freedom of moving towards something, throwing myself into my future ... with each sweaty ½ hour of cardio... I am moving forward and that feels...like happiness. :)

Surrending to change!

Craziness is occurring in my life people!
I am beginning to start to fall in love with my grapefruit breakfast. It is kind of a refreshing way to start the day, actually!
AND... I am digging going to the gym daily! It is sort of meditative in a strange way... it is easy to clear my mind while working up a sweat! Who knew?
The best gym days are the days that I have time to do cardio and the pool. The glorious pool! I have been using water weights and doggie-paddling my booty all over that pool. Despite; the bratty kids, hairy old guys and the intimidation of the real hardcore swimmers. I just do my thing and it is like the most relaxing and athletic thing I do all week. I love it!
I feel myself surrendering to the changes I am making in my life and I have to tell you, it is a lot easier to stick with a weight loss plan when you are not fighting the inevitable changes that are necessary to do what you need to do.
I will admit that my body is trying to adjust and some days that just makes me feel ...sore. But I feel my mind dragging along my body to do this... the end goal is worth all the aches in pains. My head has got this all under control. I feel the will to say no to all the cravings that may pop up and I feel the drive to do at least half an hour of cardio a day.
It is funny to think about how shocking this may all be to someone who has known me all my life. They all must be pretty sceptical of this sudden determined Andrea. This is not the first diet or gym membership I have started. I can’t prove to anyone that this time it’s different. But I feel it... I feel this power within me that I have never felt before and I am ready to just go with it and for it... all at once. I am ready to see what life is like when I am giving 100% physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am really excited to see where my changed insides will take me next! :)

Meteor Shower

Last night was the meteor shower. No matter what day of the week it lands on I make sure to stay up as late as I can to see all the shooting star action. Last year, I actually set my alarm to wake me up at the peak and I ended up thinking maybe I saw one shooting star, out of the corner of my mind.
Yesterday, all day I didn’t think there was an ice cube’s chance in hell that I would see a single shooting star that night. It got increasingly darker and rainy outside my office window all day long. After I got out of the gym, the rain had stopped but the sky was still thick with grey, heavy clouds. I did some writing while I watched the finale of So You Think You Can Dance and after also watching an inspiring weight loss episode of Oprah; I noticed a small clearing in the clouds. I grabbed my blanket, sat outside with the mosquitoes and tried my luck with my small patch of blue sky. My expectations were low after the disappointing clear sky of last year.
I sat and waited and I did something I hadn’t done in years. I talked with God. I apologized for all the time I had let pass between us and I said I was sorry for giving up on him and myself. And when I asked for the strength to help me through this weight loss, right in the middle of my clearing in the clouds a proudly bright shooting star streaked right in front of my eyes. It gave me chills. I cautiously went on asking God for help in various areas of my life with my eyes on the sky. And my little clearing in the sky answered with 4 more dazzling streaks through the sky. I was in awe. I have been turning to lessons from the past, Google, books, magazine articles, friends, doctors and medication for help all my life. I don’t think there ever was a time in my life when I thought to go to God for help. Last night, I did and I don’t have any substantial solid proof I can show to you to prove to you that God heard my prayers and is helping me. What I have now that I have been lacking is... faith... right to the edges of my fingers and toes. Someone or something great that looks down us is hearing me and telling me that they are there for me. I want to bottle the feeling up and put it down my gullet when I feel self doubt wash over me again.
When I think back even just a couple of months ago, I can see that God has been helping me. On a long weekend Monday in May, I caught an episode of Oprah with Julia Roberts talking about a new movie that she had made after a very long hiatus. I was so excited! I love Julia! The movie was based on some divorcee’s journey of self discovery or something. When I looked more into Eat Love Pray, I learned it was essentially travel literature, which I was really into at the moment. So that day (of course) I got Eat Pray Love. I read it feeling incredibly jealous that some rich New York City divorcee could be lucky enough to do what I longed to do and travel and go find myself. Despite that, Elizabeth Gilbert’s candidness about heartbreak and building yourself up after that and her amazing descriptions of all the wonderful places she had been really captured me. I wanted that same kind of journey, you know like of self-redemption and guiding yourself to the start of a new part of your life. I am ready for that ... I just can’t so much afford picking up and wandering the world in search of myself... yet!
Anyways, Eat Pray Love really got me thinking about my relationship with myself. And I realized I was just as guilty of treating myself like shit as any crappy person from my past. I just did it with carbs and laziness and binging and just making an epic mess of my life. So, I was done being my own worst enemy. I started the cleanse and I really wanted to join the gym but I didn’t have a dime to do it. That’s when I got some unexpected government money! WOOHOO! So, I joined the gym and I am planning to torture myself there for at least 5 days a week. But at least for two days of that week I get the joy of the pool. I love swimming so much... the weightlessness of it all is such a beautiful freedom.
Then just yesterday I went to the gym and while on the elliptical trainer I was thinking about how much I didn’t want salad again for dinner. When I got home, my amazing future sister-in-law made me a delicious and healthy snack that really was good enough for dinner for me! And it wasn’t salad!
God is looking after me, I am getting sent everything I need and I just have to see that and appreciate that. I have so much support and so much drive this time around; I know it is going to be okay. Everything is gonna be alright...
So maybe my path to self discovery is not as glamorous as Elizabeth Gilbert’s. Maybe mine is not in Italy but on an elliptical trainer. Who knows where my path will lead me? All I know is that I have shooting stars lighting the path I am on now...

fighting off self-doubt

A part of changing my life is realizing bad habits and trying to change them. I am a very reactive person. I am hungry; I eat as soon as I can and as much as I can. I feel pain and want to distract myself from it right away, rather than deal with it. I was just reading Eat Pray Love and she talks about sitting with uncomfortable situations and even pain. Feeling and dealing with it.
I am finding that without food, I am most definitely being forced to feel and deal with a lot of stuff. It is not about people betraying me or breaking my heart. The stuff I am dealing with is all about me. It is about finally taking a look at who I am without any distractions and fighting to become the person I want to be.
I was hurt and I was broken and I couldn’t find it in me to fight. Not for some balding douche or some supposed best friend ... I was not willing to fight for me! I am not sure what that says about me. I am not sure what that says about my journey head. If life gets as dark and hard as it did before, am I going to just let it all slip away again? Anyways, all this self doubt has really gotten in my head the last couple of days.
I am trying not to be reactive and revert back to the old me by trying to distract myself with food. But I can’t be some positive sunshiny person in this blog and lie about how much faith I have in my plan and my future, today. I am not sure what is going to happen in my future. I know that each day I am finding a new piece of strength in me to avoid the donuts around work and drag my ass to the gym. And that in itself proves to me that this time around... I am ready to fight for myself.

Fighting off some old urges...

Today has been kind of hard.
It was not so much any cravings as just my inner pessimist deciding to make an appearance. She’s gotten a lot of limelight for the last couple of years and she refuses to go away sometimes... damn drama queen!
Today was one of those days. No matter how busy I was at work or how hard I worked out at the gym... the doubt wouldn’t stop bubbling up. I am putting a lot of pressure on myself and I think I am too impatient with my results. I know how far I have to go but some days it seems impossible and today for some reason I kind of got lost in the impossibility of it all. I didn’t cheat even though I really wanted to and I went to the gym even though I really didn’t want to. I am fighting those old urges that got me all this flab and fighting the pessimist who let me get so lost. I am ready to change and part of that is trying to learn patience. That’s what this situation needs patience... and determination :).

Day 9 of Cleanse - Dunzo

I made it through the 9 day cleanse without one cheat to date! Yay! I got to say I am pretty proud of myself.
My appetite was kind of wild today. The Taste of Calgary decided to be kind enough to give us free delicious food I couldn’t eat at the station..... grrrrrrrreat! Anyways, I just avoided the kitchen. It is so not worth it to me to cheat at this point or ever as far as I am concerned! It seems today anytime I don’t have some kind of project in front of me I want to eat. Uh oh... that’s not good... that’s a blatant trait of old Andrea? I can do this... I will just keep myself busy... which at the moment is pretty easy. I can do this.
Onto the GI Diet starting tomorrow.... FOREVER! Here goes! :)

Day 8 of Cleanse - Second Last Day! Yay!

Those of you who might be regulars might notice that today’s blog is rather late. That’s because today I spent my day out of the house! Being active, living life.
Last night I was letting my body recover from pushing it a little too much on day one at the gym. So, the plan was to give myself a home Spa night and catch a little Jane Austen on Bravo, yeah pretty wild night in Andreatown. Anyways, I ended up getting sort of bored of watching Emma for like the 10th time and began to clean out my wallet. I organized this thing into bank card, credits, point cards, membership cards, etc. For some reason, that small task felt great. So Ii decided to clean out my purse. That’s when I found a badly written out budget I had written on a scrap piece of paper at work. Well, that scrap piece of paper inspired me to do a really organized and thorough budget. I got an excel budget template and did my budget with the goal of paying off my remaining debt and saving some money for some sort of big thing next year. I know a pretty adventurous Saturday night, right? But you know what, all that so needed to be done!
For three of years I have walked around in this haze of heartbreak. I am usually a really organized person... not just at work but in life too. If I am in my right mind, I have journals full of lists and plans. And for three years, the only thing in my journal were scribbles about pain, regret and the darkness I was feeling.
I lost myself. I let myself get lost in that heartbreak haze and gave up my lists and plans. So, yesterday when I organized my wallet and made my budget... I felt like maybe I am all better? Maybe, all those good things about me that I slip away could all be redeemed, made better and put to good use!
After a really peaceful sleep (thanks to the exercise I think). I sprang achingly out of my bed, got down to the gym, did a very sweaty 20 minutes of cardio while watching some HGTV, and then swam for a glorious hour. When I came out of the gym it was grey and rainy and completely the opposite of what I was feeling inside. My parents, uncle and I were heading to a store in Marda Loop just as we were getting closer it started to clear up. When we got there we walked straight into Marda Gras, a really cute street festival. It was not the plan for the day but it was so much fun! I probably spent a few dollars I shouldn’t have but none of it was on food. It was on shiny, pretty things that made me smile. Then we headed to my Uncle’s house and we had a delicious and healthy dinner.
I think today is a glimpse of what the life of Andrea 2.0 could look like. And that makes me excited for the next day and the next day after that, no matter what obstacles I have to conquer or risks I may have to take. It is kind of silly but it brings tears to my eyes because it has been too long since I have been excited about the days ahead.

ps - I am taking the sage advice of many of my friends and laying of weighing myself every morning and night. I am going to do it every four or five days. I am going to trust my GI way of life and exercising is going to do me right! Thanks! :)

Day 7 of Cleanse - Fearless

Today I ventured back into the gym after a long absence. A lot has changed since I had last entered, with the place and with me. I think the gym and me are going to be friends this time around. I know this is true because I can type that and mean that after 2 hours at the gym... 1 hour in the gym doing cardio and 1 hour in the pool doing strength training. All I can say at this very moment to say how I honestly feel is... ow.
It started off nicely enough. I packed my backpack with gym stuff excitedly last night. I slept in but when I did wake up I sprang out of bed and got ready with a spring in my step. It was only in the car with my parents driving to the gym, that doubt started to bubble in. “What if I see someone I have been trying to avoid for two years?”... “I am going to be the fatty working out next to all the Barbies again!”.
And then my mom piped up, “You know this reminds me of your first day of school, every one of them from pre-school to college.”
Ugh... she was completely right! I was repeating a behaviour that I have been doing since I was 4 years old. I would get really pumped about getting ready to go back to school, but the night before I would make myself sick with worry. Hell, that is exactly what I do with every new adventure in my life. I go into to a panic when I pretty much am doing anything for the first time... or the first time in a long time.
Andrea 2.0 stepped in again and snapped me out of it. I am done repeating the same old mistakes. I am going to charge into new things in life with a fearlessness that I have always lacked in the past. I want a new life, so I have to start acting differently. I just need to have faith in myself, in my sitcom writer in the sky, and my support system, that no matter where life takes me.... I am going to be okay. I have to remember to just let go and see what could be if I take some paths that I have avoided in the past.
I took a breath before walking into the gym... I don’t know maybe a breath of fearlessness. I walked into the gym doubtless and determined to walk a new path... fearlessly. The hot YMCA guy who signed me up greeted me and I grinned to him and myself. I didn’t see anyone I knew, I was surrounded by normal people just trying to be healthy and I did my thing.
I was going into my next 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer, after the 30 I had just done before. When I felt like giving up and then right across a man, with what I think might have been a spinal injury, was training with a trainer... and it pushed me. I know it sounds mushy but I did the remaining half an hour for him... and me. I can do this.
So, I finished with cardio and went to the pool and had a great time, as I usually do when I go to a pool. I am rather sore at the moment but I will be there tomorrow. Fearlessly!!!

Day 6 of cleanse - Look Ma I'm Growing Up!

I somehow gained a pound in my sleep last night and 2 during the day. I know a pound here and there is not really a big deal when I have so far to go. But something about those jumping up and down and up numbers on the scale makes me feel nervous. What did I do wrong compared to the days before? Anyways, I woke up on edge as silly as it maybe.
The day was pretty easy going with my lovely coworkers and I got good news money-wise. The good news was that I had some! For all these months I have been making a shopping list waiting for this phantom money to arrive. And then wham - right there it was! Shoes? E-reader? Clothes? The options were all dancing around in my mind like a nutcracker ballet and then Andrea 2.0 swooped in and bitch slapped me to reality.
The first place I went to when I was off work was the bank and I got rid of the $1000 monkey on my back! I finally after 9 years paid that Visa off! 1 down 1 to go! I can’t tell you how awesome it felt, it could only be expressed in my dorky happy dance!
After the bank I went to the... gym! Working out to lose weight? Yeah, what a concept! Anyways the really cute dude at the YMCA signed me up and I stared at him with drool probably coming down the side of my mouth. I could get used to this gym thing.
I think today was a couple steps closer to adulthood! YAY ME!
I shall conquer the mystery weight at the gym!!!
ps - the picture is what I did after the gym! I got pink laces for my Nikes and a cute new gym bag! A girl has got to accessorize people! :)

Day 5 of Cleanse - Progress?

Today, I conquered the grapefruit and two grocery stores. I know it is quite soon but this seems to me to be signs of the emergence of Andrea Version 2. Old Andrea would have given up on grapefruit after the first day and she definitely wouldn’t have been emotionally stable enough by day five, to go alone into a grocery store. And I did it! And I was fine!
Since the dreaded grapefruit has entered my life, back when I was about 7 years old, I have always eaten the thing like an orange... peel and eat... and then suffer the bitter aftertaste. Well my lovely coworkers showed me the light! The magical way to cut the grapefruit that makes it so easy to scoop out in cute little triangles and avoid all the bitter grossness! I think I am going to just be a-ok with this super-fruit for good now!
Then, on day five of a cleanse I dared go into a grocery store once with a co-worker and then once ...*gasp*... on my own! For real! In the past on day five of the diet... if I had made it that long... Old Andrea would so not have been casually strolling by chocolate, checking the labels on hummus and picking up a loaf of bread for her family, not without slipping in a chocolate for herself. This is what day 5 commitment to a diet would look like to Old Andrea; clutching a bag of celery, locked away from any human beings who dared tempt me with something delicious ,startchy, carby, and yummy thing while checking the scale every five minutes to see if I was at my goal weight.
I know I have to sit with this temptation and face it because I know my weight is so out of control that this is no quick fix. After this cleanse, the GI diet is actually going to be the GI way of life. I did a lot of research before picking this diet. I chose the GI diet because it is a heart healthy diet that follows a reasonable menu that I think I can follow. Old Andrea has been on every diet from Weight Watcher to Dr.Bernstein. I have spent so much money on every diet pill, gym membership, and every other get thin quick scheme. I have been through the diet ropes and lost from 5 to 60 pounds but it all came back and it brought some lardy company.
Andrea Version 2 has taken the knowledge from all those diets of the past and is putting it to use with this healthy new diet that she actually took the time to research. I feel different ... I feel genuinely committed to do this for myself. I really think if I can stick with this, I really will deserve that goal weight I am eyeing, I am going get there. I am not going to bail on myself. I am in this for the long haul.
And I think that’s progress!

Day 4 of Cleanse - Inspried - How's that for a mood swing?

Okay, yesterday was such a horrible and yet amazing day!

So, self-doubt and carb-withdrawal pushed me to flip out at my Dad. After that I was feeling rather guilty so I hid out in my room writing, listening to music and generally feeling sorry for myself and thinking of my plight to change my life as quite hopeless.

I was well into the Fiona Apple when the most amazing things happened. I found a really amazing quote and then I got two amazingly inspiring messages from people I went to high school but I am sad to say I was only acquaintances with these amazing chicks back then. And then even more support from some amazing girls I met in Broadcasting! I don’t think they had a clue how much I needed to hear words of encouragement from people I am not related to. I was teetering on the edge just about to fall into the chocolate waterfall and back into the rushing river back to Big-Assville and these people came out of nowhere and wouldn’t let me fall.

Two high school acquaintances put me back on track!?!?! And it all so amazing to me after the drama and the hell that were the majority of my actual high school “friends”. Whomever, is in charge of writing the sitcom that is my life really shocked me with that storyline.

So, thanks to my personal sitcom writer in the sky for bringing back amazing people from my past to help save my future. I feel this overwhelming sense of support and love and wow... I am just so beyond words. I forgot all about how good and gracious and kind people can be!

Girls, your encouragement has made feel more confident than The Situation in a Miami Club full of grenades. Yes, that was a Jersey Shore reference... that’s just how I roll.

I feel like I can do anything today! I know... it is early... :P

So I am going to leave you all with a suggestion and a quote. I hope that maybe, it can help someone else who reads it here as much as it helped me yesterday. My suggestion is to be like these amazing women who unknowingly came to my rescue, because you never know how much someone may need your support.

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.” - Ayn Rand

Onwards :).

Day 3 of The Cleanse - Here comes the Meltdown

Day 3 – The Meltdown arrived. The victim was my poor unsuspecting father. The crime was inviting a family friend who loves to cook delicious food for us and who’s favourite conversation topic is... you guessed it... food... well he is coming to stay here for two days. My reaction... tears and uncontrollable rage that my supportive family totally are putting me in the fire on only the third day! (note – I am SO feeling the moody, headachy carb withdrawal majorly today) I know it is their house and who am I to tell them who can and can’t come over. My rational self gets the logic of how ridiculous I must seem to them, for blowing up and as my dad so kindly said “always playing victim”. My irrational self thinks my family above all people should be supportive enough to turn away the Chef away on my behalf and hold my hand through this whole thing.
No matter how much my family loves and supports me... they can’t hold my hand and lose this weight for me. They can’t turn their lives upside down for ME to conquer MY issues. I just need to do what I need to do to avoid these situations or be strong enough to stand in front them and not waiver my strength to this cause of losing weight. And sure, me freaking out on day three doesn’t really bode well for the uphill battle ahead of me. But I REALLY want this and I am willing to sit in the discomfort of cravings, insomnia, a sore throat, and a chef in the house tempting me (I will be hiding in my room)... I am willing to do anything! But to all those unlucky enough to have me in their lives in the first couple of weeks of this thing... I can’t promise there won’t be freak outs and tears. I am going to try as hard as I can to keep my emotions in check and wade the turbulent waters by myself and not let everyone feel all my ups and downs all the time.
Today was just a tiring day and I had a bit of Meltdown. But I am down 7 pounds and I have not cheated and tomorrow is another day.

Day 2 Cleanse: Feeling Hungry but Grateful

Day 2 of the cleanse and the longing for some startchy, fatty carbs to ease my sore throat has made me deathly afraid of my parent’s booby trapped kitchen full delicious, horrible carbs! I have done pretty well but there have been a few too many cartoon diet moments for just the first and second days. You know like my brother turning into a talking hamburger or my stomach cursing at me to put something more filling into it. Maybe that’s just my insomnia making me go crazy! I can do this... right? Well, thank goodness for all the people I’ve got in my corner.
It is probably no secret to many people who know me, that I have not been the biggest fan of human kind the last couple of years. I got wronged by a couple of people who I considered important to me and after that I kind of gave up on everyone else, including myself for a long while.
I went from being one of the most hopeful people you’ve ever met to one of the most hopeless in a blink of an eye. I shut away the world, hid and just let my wounds fester. There were a really small, strong group of people who would not let me go all the way to the darkness. They held on to hope FOR me, no matter how hard I know I made it for them. I self-destructed. I ate on more weight... I let depression and cynicisms take over my whole life... I was sick of myself and yet these people they stuck with me.
And now I am finally seeing the hope in my life again... the options ... the potential and to have these people by my side... no matter what; that gives me infinite strength to do anything. To lose this weight, to see the world, and who knows maybe to become an Emmy award winning writer! (I can dream... it is my blog darn it).
So, thank you to all those people who keep my head above water when I am flailing around like some drowning crazy person... you know who you are and I know you are reading this because you guys are awesome like that! And thank you to all the people I am not that acquainted with but who read my blog and send me good thoughts and wishes. Every piece of support I get just pushes me one step closer to Andrea V2. Thank you. You humans ain’t so bad after all! :)

Day 1 of Cleanse: Conquering Grapefruit

Growing up the fat girl, I've been dieting since a rather young age and by the pictures you can tell it was with little results. At a very young age I discovered my distaste for two diet staples – cottage cheese and grapefruit. The texture of cottage cheese makes me want to gag instantly but luckily I think it won’t be a huge deal if I just avoid cottage cheese during my cleanse and diet.
Grapefruit on the other hand, with its disgusting bitter after taste is some kind of fat-burning superfruit! So, I am going to have to conquer any damn distaste for this superfruit. I just have to think about it like this. I drink alcohol which I think tastes terrible, when it is not sweetened to the max. To me alcohol and grapefruit taste equally as bad. Alcohol is just more fun... I can go crazy and make a complete ass of myself. But is alcohol in anyway going to make me healthy and capable of doing all the things I want to do with my life? No. So grapefruit is my new booze with better results!
Day 1 of cleanse – seriously trying to make my grapefruit breakfast taste like bacon in my mind. I can do this – I can do this.
See all the reason Grapefruit is so friggin’ amazing here -
http://www.womenfitness.net/grapefruit_weightloss.htm